Elucidation of Popular Culture

In accordance with federal legislation prohibiting discrimination, after a lengthy & expensive legal battle to prevent me from contributing a monthly column presenting views contrary to all antiMusic represents, I am pleased to announce the launch of your new favorite feature on antiMusic: a lone voice of sanity in the insanity that's antiMusic, the place where you can come for reliable advice on what to think, the Veridical Polemic a.k.a. "I'm Always Right" column with Dolly Doppelganger! Read my words and obey them if you want to be right all the time, just like me!

It's time once again for the second annual Hetty Green Award to be granted! This exciting time of year was almost marred by a near forfeiture of this year's winners due to their rampant stupidity. Fortunately, the unadulterated greed operating behind the scenes exhibited the true Hetty Green spirit, earning them the title, which they will share throughout '06. For those of you who don't remember what exactly a Hetty Green Award is, this prestigious & much sought after award is awarded every year to a group, institution or individual who demonstrates such a crass disregard for others due to greed that it seems as if Hetty Green was momentarily reincarnated. For those of you who don't know what a Hetty Green is, she is an inspiring example for some, demonstrating her commitment to herself & maintaining & increasing her riches even at the expense of her own children.

Check Wikipedia for fun examples of Hetty's life style choices that are sure to amuse & puzzle you. My favorite Hetty tale involves her 14 year old son's leg having to be amputated after a sledding accident when she refused to seek medical attention for him and it became infected. Poverty didn't keep her out of the hospital; her net worth was the equivalent of a few billion dollars back in the late 1800s. It was sheer greed, something all of the Hetty Green award winners are intimate friends with.

The latest crop of Hetty winners, due to their prolific body of work in 2004-05 earned them this singular honor. Congratulatory cards can be sent to their jail cells. The American Hetty Award goes to: The Station Nightclub owners, Jeffrey & his brother Bubba Derderian! The Brothers Derderian shot ahead of all competition when the charges against them were announced. Their crimes, although entirely stupid, have different facets of stupidity making them stand out from average unintelligence. Read on, to see the levels of stupidity I had to consider as I weighed my decision.

Examples of Greed Masquerading as Unacceptable Stupidity: Jeffrey Derderian, a former television reporter known as "Dick Tracy"  due to his uniquely unpleasant disposition & slightly girlish proclivities, had done a series about the dangers of polyurethane foam for a Boston TV station. This in- depth show possibly benefited his frugal stewardship of The Station, when he was able to pick up all kinds of great ideas on how to cheaply sound proof his & his brother Bubba’s nightclub. I assume he was able to pick up at a steep discount all the remnants that home improvement stores were forced to blow out cheap due to bad publicity.

Although this insulation that the brothers were able to score so cheaply contained a visible and explicit warning about flammability, when you're working with insulation, how do you do it? If you’re anything like me, the best way is as fast as possible, get done with the itchy stuff & don’t waste a second reading it, just cram it! I mean, gimme a break, it’s insulation!  Do you dance with it, caress it, take it out to dinner & deeply meditate on the stuff? Apparently, whipping through an unappealing job (incidentally, that's EFFICIENCY spelled different!) to get it done fast is now illegal, huh!

To show they weren’t intimidated by something as ethereal as a warning tag, after installing the bargain bin soundproofing foam, made from such things as recycled egg cartons, newspaper, flannel shirts & used sugar cane at The Station, the Dolterians allowed various music groups "to use special effects in their acts, including pyrotechnics, open flames, flash pots and [spark generators]... in plain view and in close proximity to the highly flammable foam." To me, this shows good customer relations. After all, bands that paid loads money for fireworks should have the right to set them off wherever they are having a concert, that is the point of those things! Here, the Dolterians here show such a confusing selflessness that they almost were booted out of the running for this benevolent gesture. 

Fortunately, the lack of other candidates worked on their behalf. 

Greed Dressed up as 'Convenient Stupidity'. 

What is 'convenient stupidity', you ask? It's doing something stupid because it's easy or more convenient to do it that way. Read on for real life examples & wonder no more! Allowing smoking around flammable packing materials stuffed in the walls to soundproof was another generous, kind gesture that almost lost them the award. Jeffy Dolterians, tired of looking like a buzz kill, eagerly trying to shed that Dick Tracy nickname, allowed people in the club to smoke near the highly flammable foam. That tells me that the Dolterian brothers are no celeb sycophants, only allowing the bands special favors like fireworks while ignoring the little guy who pays for a ticket. Pure fair fun is what these guys are! Area judges should study their example of objectivity, I think!

Like a coupla frat boys too drunk to think, the Dolterians have been the most rollicking good time Hetty award nominees in recent history! Ever committed to convenience, the night of the fire, an employee of The Station told agents for Great White to park the band's bus "in close proximity to the front of the building and a series of atrium-style windows, thereby obstructing access to that portion of the building." to fire vehicles summoned to the scene. I'm sure fire trucks having better access to the nightclub wouldn't have made much difference or saved that many more lives, convenience is all that matters in all things!

The Dolterians had the windows on the front of the nightclub painted black, "which prevented outside light from illuminating the interior of the club and hampered patrons' and employees' ability to locate" exits. YEAH!!! Who wants a buncha annoying light streaming in through the windows when you're trying to listen to music, anyway?! Not me, that's fer sher! I don't know about you, but I sure can't wait for their upcoming book on tips for running a successful nightclub while keeping costs low!

The Dolterians issued a directive before the night of the fire that the door on the west wall of their club, adjacent to the stage, be kept closed at all times and used only by band members and their staff. Some survivors said they were not allowed to go out that door after the fire erupted. I think such strength of character is excellent! That for the Dolterians, no means NO!! With so many wishy washy pushovers these days, giving club security a bad name by letting fans that are running amok screaming do whatever they want. Isn't it refreshing to read of an edict being enforced in spite of a little bad publicity?

Greed Parading as Lazy Stupidity

How is lazy stupidity different that convenient stupidity? One (convenient stupidity) is geared toward the convenience & ease of others, while this one benefits the Dolterians alone. Admittedly, it's a subtle difference, but a difference indeed. Read on if you're still confused!

Prosecutors whine about how The Dolterians did not provide any emergency training for their employees, how they did not have an evacuation or emergency plan, and never provided training to the employees on how to use fire extinguishers. Now gimme a break, minimum wage workers are a tired lot. Why force them to learn a buncha stuff they are bound to forget 3 minutes after the class is over anyway? Why rip them away from their families for an extra night of training in scenarios most of them are never likely to use? Does McDonalds teach people to jump start cars, does the grocery store teach cashiers to 
reglaze windows? NO! And why not? Because who cares, those are skills completely unrelated to the task of taking money, mixing drinks & checking IDs. Anyway, who would train them to do this? The Dolterians? I am certain they had something much more important to do that day! Maybe they had to buy more kerosene to scrub the walls with or something, who knows!?

The whiny prosecutor also cries about how the Dolterians "repeatedly installed and maintained an inward-swinging door without any hardware on the west wall of The Station," in violation of the state fire code, even after the Town of West Warwick twice cited the club for violations because of the door. Whine, whine, whine. New hardware is expensive; changing a perfectly good door is a waste of time, labor and money. NEXT! Exit signs in The Station were not illuminated, boo hoo! If everybody had just listened to their mom & ate their carrots growing up, would we even be discussing this non issue now? NEXT! The nightclub did not have any marked fire lane, and the parking stripes were in need of painting. Again, are the Dolterians supermen? If this were such an important fire violation, why didn't the firemen come out & do this? I mean sheesh, take some responsibility, ya cry baby whistle blowers!

Greed Disguised as Cheap Stupidity

The prosecutors also want the jury all twisted up over how they "repeatedly and intentionally disregarded the maximum capacity of 404 persons that the West Warwick Fire Marshal prescribed for The Station." Again, such kindness makes me wonder if these are cut throat Hetty types we all know & love. How could anyone turn away someone after they waited in a line in the cold? What if hospitals started doing that? Where would we seek medical care then, gas stations? Awwww, so the brothers did not have workers' compensation insurance when The Station burned to the ground. So what? Jeffrey and Bubba Dolterians say even they don't have the money to fully pay $180,000 in workers compensation claims. But look at what they do instead! They solemnly promise that every time they eat dinner, whether in public or at home, they swear that they will think of the deceased & drink a shot in their memory, even if they decide to go sober. Kathleen Hagerty, who represents Bubba Dolterians, said telling people in court that the brothers are broke could hurt the brothers' criminal case as well as open them up to public shame & ridicule, which we all know is a fate worse than death!

And that is the truth! Do you think lawyers will want to work hard defending the Dolterians if they know they are broke bums who don't pay their bills? Hopefully the ACLU steps in & shuts down this rude line of prying. The Dolterian brothers are also appealing a $1 million fine for failing to carry workers' compensation insurance. They claim in lieu of a fine, they will continue making small monthly payments to the families of the deceased, based on years of service, friendliness or surliness of attitude, how much money he saved the club/ generated for the club and other intangibles like that.

Under this program, employees that scowled at everyone and sneaked rum & cokes to their friends can expect $20 a month for however many years of service they worked. Employees that were presentable and caught people trying to sneak in could expect $40 a month for however many years they worked for the Dolterians. The Dolterians point out that all employees benefit from this pay out plan, rather than only the good ones.

Before I close this year’s Hetty fawning, here is an important legal update in a never before considered category!

Greed masquerading as absolute BRILLIANCE!

Not only did Dolts R Us Entertainment brothers kill all those kids due to their unchecked greed, screw all the grieving families out of death benefits and really achieve fame & notoriety as this year's Hetty winners, they succeeded in getting the Great White Tour manager to take the fall for the fire! Amazing! Never before in Hetty History has this occurred! Too bad Hetty is rotting in hell, or else she would be the first to shake the Dolt Bros hands! This is going to be a hard act to top next year, fo' sho'!

Well that closes the American Award winners, congratulations, guys! Now onto the other Hetty award winner, whose ruthlessness didn't make me agonize over their inclusion, in spite of the Dolterians already securing the Award. These guys didn't commit any 'greed going around as convenient stupidity' irrational acts that so nearly snatched away the Dolterian victory. Without any further delay, onto the...

The Hetty Green Internacional Award goes to….

The Buenos Aires nightclub that caught on fire & killed 186 people when a flare ignited soundproofing on the ceiling during a rock concert!

A death toll like that is a number to be proud of! As if that weren't a sweet enough victory, a Hetty award to accompany it, hopefully the owner doesn't die of utter joy & excitement when he reads the news!

As before, this Hetty winner has the same types of categories of stupidity, except for the almost pansy-esque 'convenient stupidity' as I alluded to earlier. Here we go again!

Examples of Greed Masquerading as Unacceptable Stupidity

Four of the six exit doors were locked shut with wire or padlocks, trapping an estimated 4000 people inside the club as it was engulfed in smoke and flames. At least 714 people were injured. Wires & Padlocks! What an attention to detail rarely found among nightclub owners! Even the Dolterians just skimped on the door hardware, this guy took the extra time to make sure his doors were done RIGHT! Buenos Aires Mayor Anibal Ibarra, somehow remaining unimpressed with such carnage, said that the owner of the Cromagnon Republic's greed caused many to lose their lives, because the owner decided to lock a truck-sized emergency exit door as well as the other exits to prevent people from entering the club without paying the cover charge. "Because of greed, a lot people who could have been saved lost their lives," Ibarra said.

Since details were scant, here is the last item on the facets of stupidity list:

Greed Disguised as Cheap Stupidity

The nightclub permit only allows for 1,100 patrons in the building. It has been estimated that between 4000 and 6000 people were packed into the venue. Now this is the only way I know of to be able to afford to make those pesky wrongful death payments, eh? This guy should go on tour with the Dolterians & collaborate on a book they can then all go on tour promoting, right?

Again, I say congrats to you entrepreneurs! And RAWK ON!!!
 
 

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Posted by Wes C. Addle:
But did Hetty smell as bad as Courtney?