Note to lawyers and
the brain dead: What follows falls under the category of parody. We shouldn't
need to spell this out but in an age where fat woman are suing doctors
for being mildly observant and telling said patient they are obese, we
felt the need to point out for the more cerebrally challenged readers that
this only a bit of humor and should not be taken literally. If you
still choose to take this literally, remember the immortal words of our
very own antiGUY "If you are not playing with a full deck, don't shuffle
in public!" Now...HHEEEERRRREEEESSSS DOLLY!
As always the views expressed
by the writer do not neccessarily reflect the views of antiMUSIC or the
iconoclast entertainment group .
Sharon's Kampf
No doubt all the uproar over Sharon Osbourne
vs. Iron Maiden has her at home right now; weeping over how cruel the press
& fans are being to her. In an effort to cheer her up over her unjust
virtual beating she is taking, the History Channel contacted me to put
together a documentary on famous men of history & the wives they owe
everything to in honor of Sharon & Ozzy's 30th wedding anniversary
this year!
I really appreciate this opportunity, especially
because from it I learned that my assumption of late, that Ozzy was the
name of her Chihuahua bitch or her marketing director was dead wrong. History
is educational in surprising ways, isn't it?
To properly do this show justice, I am
assembling an 'Honorary Osbournes Imaginary Family Tree' from some documents
I found lying around the internet. It turns out that many a famous historical
man owes his success & very existence to a wife much like Sharon, the
true patriarch of the Osbourne clan.
Ok, our first honorary Osbourne finds himself
newly grafted into this delightfully normal couple's lineage thanks entirely
to his wife's dogged pursuit of her advancing her husband's career no matter
the unglamorous consequences, which included exile & public disgrace.
This historical general was considered a military genius thanks to his
wife's shrewd marketing of him. He is still culturally relevant today due
to his wife's insertion of a word into our vocabulary that referred to
one of his historic military campaigns, "Waterloo"; a term I think has
become personally relevant to Sharon & her little lapdog.
Well, onto someone much more modern! Our
next ingraftee is still alive & well aging nicely. Thanks to his wife's
tireless efforts, he is synonymous with an entire country! Again, though
he is unfairly branded the cause of every problem plaguing Cuba today,
in all honesty, if it weren't for Mrs. Castro's fight to unite her country
as one, even more Cubans might try to flee the country in homemade boats
& dangerous rafts! Taking a cue from Mrs. C, Mrs. O wisely has implemented
the same policy in the land of metal: rigid suppression of criticism as
well as enforced support of her policies. She has to fight this war on
two fronts, never neglecting her personal wars against various criminals
in the industry, including Iron Maiden's Bruce Dickinson. More on his crimes
against humanity & the kingdom of Sharon later! I'm so furious at him
that common sense is threatening to abandon me!!
I can't find my notes for who was next
on the family tree, but trust me! He was someone HUGELY famous, that had
the attention of the entire universe for a time, and all thanks to his
fine, strong, smart wife. I tell ya, whoever Sharon is married to must
be so proud of her right about now! What I wouldn't give to see the scene
at their house this afternoon!!
Oh well, I found a diary on the internet
in my searching & I'm pretty sure it belongs to Sharon! Let's read
it together! But first, a disclaimer: she accidentally kept mixing up the
word "father" & the word "husband" for some reason. So every time she
says "father', her pet name for her husband, I took the liberty of changing
it to "husband", and I made a couple other minor mistake corrections like
that to minimize confusion. All my corrections I put in parenthesis.
Here we go!
"...and particularly my association with
extremely 'husky' boys, which sometimes caused my mother bitter anguish,
made me the very opposite of a stay-at-home (wife). And though at that
time I scarcely had any serious ideas as to the profession I should one
day pursue, my sympathies were in any case not in the direction of my (husband's)
career. I believe that even then my oratorical talent was being developed
in the form of more or less violent arguments with my schoolmates. I had
become a little ringleader; at school I learned easily and at that time
very well, but was otherwise rather hard to handle....."
(well no surprises here, but anyway, read
on...)
"... Finally, a whole lifetime spent in
the bitter struggle for existence had given (me) a domineering nature,
and as it would have seemed intolerable to me to leave the final decision
in such matters (as Ozzfest) to an inexperienced boy, having as yet no
sense of responsibility..."
(This next part deals with where she takes
over Ozzfest & turns it into the far more successful & WAY better
Sharonfest...)
"...Neither persuasion nor 'serious' arguments
made any impression on my resistance. I did not want to be a (normal rock
wife) no, and again no. All attempts on my (husband's) part to inspire
me with love or pleasure in this profession by stories from his own life
accomplished the exact opposite. I yawned and grew sick to my stomach at
the thought of..."
(Grrr, why does the page have to be torn
here?!?! Just when she's talking about that entire genre of music she is
successfully doing away with from Ozzfest so there can be more bands like
the Rolling Stones, Gwen Stefani & Kelly "the most talented"
Osbourne, covering Madonna songs from the 80s!!)
"...By and large, a subject of the German
Reich, at that time at least, was absolutely unable to grasp the significance
of this fact for the life of the individual in such a state. After the
great victorious campaign of the heroic armies in the Franco-German War..."
(huh? Wait, hold on, I need to see what
this is...this just doesn't sound right at all, makes no sense. I wonder
if Sharon was drinking when she wrote this...)
Oh man, I'm sorry, I was mistaken!! This
was excerpts from the first chapter of Mein Kampf, by Adolf Hitler!! I
musta gotten my notes confused, Hitler is in the "Honorary Osbournes" section,
no wonder I got confused!! Well, anyway, you can see why he's an honorary
Osbourne, look at how similarly he & Sharon think!!
Anyway, let's look at how important Sharon
is to Ozzy. No one likes metal, it's so unpopular. You know what sells
tickets? Pop & hip hop & King Tut. Put those together in a festival
atmosphere & you'll make millions. Metal sucks so bad that bands playing
at Ozzfest actually have to PAY to be on the stage! Give it up!! You can
make three times the amount your record company shelled out if you just
write one good number one hit pop song! That 'metal' band that covered
the Britney song, that's the direction metal needs to move in. And as is
typical of every wife I?ve talked about thus far, Sharon instinctively
knows that! That's why Sharonfest is such a ticket selling machine! No
one wants to hear metal, everybody likes....y'know, whoever the radio is
playing & MTV is slobbering over. Go Sharon! Way to show a buncha stupid
kids that a musical festival is best run by someone who has a degree in
marketing & business management! She is truly a hero for today, one
for your daughters to emulate & your sons to marry!
How important is Sharon to the world? I
think the world will mourn when she dies, if the world still exists after
that day. Sharon Osbourne is pivotally important to so many serious fields
of the arts. TV, both cable & network, internet, radio, CDs, plays,
she is everywhere & greatly to be feared, followed, & obeyed. She,
like no other rock wife since Yoko Ono has contributed so much to music
that smart rock wives everywhere seek her out to attend one of her patented
"Sharon Workshop Sessions on Husband Wrangling & Management". But even
non rock wives owe her a great debt of thanks. If it weren't for her, would
the Spice Girls have reunited? Would Will Smith's wife ever have found
a musical outlet to play in? Fans of real music know that Sharon Osbourne
speaks for them & an entire generation of people who like music that's
really popular & great!
Now, the reason this war exists, the man
behind Sharon's tears of fury & injustice: Bruce Dickinson & his
crimes against her family!
Not since Margaret Sanger has an individual
so ruthlessly & maliciously attacked the family. That the family under
attack is the noble institution known as the Osbourne, Inc. family makes
his crime more heinous. With his blistering criticism of reality shows,
mortally wounding Sharon's feelings in the process of lambasting the only
thing on TV worth watching besides the home shopping network, Bruce revealed
that a man like him clearly has no regard for the delicate feelings of
the ever shy & retiring master of her puppets. This declaration of
war on Sharon could not have been more clear if he had announced he was
going to burn down their house & rape the maid.
That Sharon would even be so ruthlessly
attacked after sharing intimate details of her life shows the level some
people will stoop to in order to humiliate a person more successful than
they. Like when she sensitively & tastefully revealed that her stomach
stapling had not helped: now she has no more room to gobble down food like
a ravenous wolf, resulting in her food literally filling her up all the
way up her throat. Only the most callous individuals remained unmoved by
that heart wrenching revelation! Apparently, in Dickinson's opinion, that
tidbit should have kept to herself. Hey Bruce! Maybe the eggs that Sharon
had Kelly & her staff throw at you were her cry for help! Oh for the
old days when I could eat three dozen eggs in one sitting! She seemed to
be saying, if you had only listened!!
I don't know what the outcome of this war
will be, antiFans. Hopefully now that Sharon has been vindicated &
shown the world what really goes on at Ozzfest, she can stop calling it
Ozzfest & be more open about the direction of the festival, so in the
future, suckers don't pony up that kinda cash to watch a bunch of bands
Sharon doesn't want to listen to.
Posted by MSIorDIE:
it's this warm, wet place you can stay in for a relatively cheap price. you should see the promotional video.
Posted by BUTCH:
what's a paris hilton?
Posted by GREENMUSE:
what a hoot.anything with mein kampf in a humorous setting is golden in my opinion.
Posted by dolly:
she married somebody famous Butch, her 'celebrity' is exactly like Paris Hilton & Nicole Ritchie's. Fun, huh?
Posted by BUTCH :
who is this sharon osbourne that you speak of with such affection?
Posted by the snarg:
good article from a chick who likes being pink
Posted by Hobo:
Absolutely classic. You've grown on me.
Posted by aG:
It's obvious that Acadien42 didn't bother to read the disclaimer or was too dense to figure out...
Posted by Acadien42:
Bruce Dickinson and Iron Maiden have much more class than anything related to the Ozzies. Get your facts straight... A few light-hearted remarks did not justify what Sharon and company did... But of course I take it you must be a feminist, which defies all reason LOLOLOL
Posted by CiaM:
Great article!
God, I hate Sharon
Posted by notsecond:
hey, dolly doesnt look half bad at all
www.myspace.com/thisishardtopick
Posted by aG:
Another gemm Dolly. You come up with some of the wildest things! You know what will be interesting to see since Maiden's manager (by now most of us have seen his take on this)founded Sanctuary Records the same label that for some strange reason picked up Kelly after she was dropped like a $2 hooker by Sony and Ozzy's label is tied into Sanct too. AFter the dismal sales of Kelly's latest crime against humanity, will Sanct put out the money for another album? And how will this effect the total relationship? ME thinks Sharon may have shot herself in the foot on this one. That's ok, she'll make money other ways, TV shows, pay-to-play Sharonfest etc. But this was just so much BS and another nail in poor Ozzy's reputation. I want my old Ozzy back before Sharon decided to "go public" with her brats.
Posted by Commander in Chimp:
Nice one, and don't forget to visit www.boycottozzfest.com
Posted by Sharon Osbourne's Loan-Me Hard Cash Scam:
More than 20 years ago today, Sharon Osbourne vent the Nazi vay. She vould goosestep in the grandest style. And vas guaranteed to raise a Heil. Now fast-forward 20-some years...Sharon Osbourne's loan-me hard-cash scam. Sharon: "It's vonderbar to be hier! I make hard-cash at Sharonfest! Vat I "Do", you vill!"
Posted by DeadSun:
dolly: Your rapier-like wit always makes for a cracking good read. If you ask me, Sharon's "kampf" is every bit to her delight, as we might assume otherwise. Remember the old Hollywood mantra: "There's no such thing as bad publicity." She is all too aware of the fact that she is a colossal bitch on wheels, and totes it around like a trophy. Take away her desecration of art's role in music, and you're left with a woman who--- in the business sector, would be both feared and respected. In fact, I'm still waiting for the day her and Hillary Clinton declare their undying love for one another, and through artificial insemination, raise a family, and set into motion a new dynastic lineage to reign over the dim masses.
Posted by FRED:
AMEN. THAT SHARON IS A SHREW AND SHOULD BE SHOT TO SAVE METAL
