In accordance with federal legislation
prohibiting discrimination, after a lengthy & expensive legal battle
to prevent me from contributing a monthly column presenting views contrary
to all antiMusic represents, I am pleased to announce the launch of your
new favorite feature on antiMusic: a lone voice of sanity in the insanity
that's antiMusic, the place where you can come for reliable advice on what
to think, the Veridical Polemic a.k.a. "I'm Always Right" column with Dolly
Doppelganger! Read my words and obey them if you want to be right all the
time, just like me!
As always the views expressed
by the writer do not neccessarily reflect the views of antiMUSIC or the
iconoclast entertainment group .
Redefining "PETA"
And here's what their name needs to mean:
Plant
Eradication
Terror
Alliance
What short sighted hypocrites those PETA
losers are! As if J. Lo's beautiful coats pose more of a threat to the
world wide HEALTH and SAFETY of the UNIVERSE that the systematic eradication
of plant life poses. This is a threat I just can't get those PETAs to take
seriously! They are too busy torching science labs, suing restaurants and
poisoning swimming pools contaminated with penguins all in the name of
"saving" stupid, ugly, horrible, smelly, otherwise useless critters! But
the noble animals that once were alive do not interest PETA at all! Nope,
don't try to tell them the origins of fossil fuels, or they just laugh
evilly, rev their engines even louder and spit big honkin' loogies out
of their nostrils at me when I try! Go to PETA headquarters, 501 Front
Street, Norfolk, VA 23510 and protest their excuses and inaction as billions
of plants are destroyed every hour. What will we breathe when the world's
oxygen resources are exhausted, Guinea Pigs and rattlesnakes?
If PETA really wanted to be relevant &
make a huge difference, they would join my group, Plant Memorial Servants
(PMS) and help me hold plant funerals at lumber mills, bakeries, and land
raping cotton based sweatshops. Actually, since all clothes are made from
plants in some state of decay or other, no one should wear clothes at all.
Let's see PETA fighting off pesky nuisance arrests & lawsuits for indecent
exposure as they team up with me to launch a billboard and TV campaign
advocating protecting plants from scheming clothing manufacturers. What's
that PETA? You can't help because you are too busy harassing school kids
with gory comic books about their mommies as you encourage minors to drink
more beer? What a surprise!
It's also little wonder that PETA ignores
federal discrimination against plants. In doing so, they reveal their disinterest
in one set of living organisms in their misguided zeal to "save" another.
Post offices, restaurants, movie theaters all allow so called service animals
into their establishments, and this is a federal statute. Yet don't even
think of dragging your Rose of Sharon tree along in a tasteful pot secured
in a wagon, you'll be told to leave- I know this first hand! Cactus lonely?
Sunflower drooping with boredom? Oak tree scared stiff? too bad! Leave
'em home! They are UNWELCOME everywhere you or a dog can go! This whole
subject makes me so mad I feel like adopting every animal in the humane
society, flaying them till their fur hangs off them in bloody tatters then
burning them alive and eating them, grrrr! That would be a fitting revenge.
And speaking of discrimination against
plants, there are police dogs, police men, when was the last time you heard
of an evergreen being deputized? You know any Sheriff Bluegrass species?
What about any Army Oak Tree Rangers? I guess dogs get all the good jobs!
How stupid and irresponsible! What would put a meth dealer out of business
quicker, some 130 pound German Shepherd dragging him to the ground to be
arrested, or some 2 ton Redwood tree falling on him & crushing him?
What would cost a child pornographer more, some dumb police dog busting
him and a judge setting a high bail for him, or a row of pine trees planted
close enough to his house that they break his foundation to crumbs with
their web like root system? Do you have any idea how expensive and inconvenient
it is to have to repair or replace your house's foundation? Clearly plants
are much better suited for the world of crime prevention than idiotic flea
factories!
Even if plants weren't the superior kingdom,
dogs would still suck. They pee on trees & bushes even though they
know full well that the nitrogen content in their urine is potent enough
to kill grass. They eat grass when it's going to rain, what arrogance!
Do bushes eat their puppies when it's going to be windy? Do vines creep
around dogs' necks and strangle them when afternoon is coming? As if that
weren't enough, they dig holes in gardens and yards, destroying and flinging
everywhere the innocent little plants who not only are trapped where they
stand, they are completely incapable of screaming out for help. It's up
to humans to save our national plant population from animals as well as
people!
What about cats? Are they as rotten and
mean as dogs? After all, they go potty in a clay or sand filled litter
box, and around here, they eat the dog meat I butcher, they are truly plant's
best friends, no? Actually, they are worse! They dig their sharp claws
deep into tree bark to scramble up trees when they like a change of scenery.
Anyone who's ever been deeply clawed by a sadistic, horrible, wretched
cat knows the pain their gouges can cause. Now if they were nicely trying
to evict sloppy birds and cruel squirrels, I wouldn't hate cats. But nope!
With singular minded devotion they only concern themselves with how high
they can climb, ignoring entirely the tree's silent shrieks of pain, a
cacophony of howls and moans that remain unsaid as the noble deciduous
can't even wipe away his own tears, or lick his own snot off of his non
existent upper lip. Don't even get me started on that kitty narcotic they
abuse, known as catnip!
In a perfect world, we would all live in
houses entirely made out of gravel, we'd eat water and vitamins, and wear
nothing at all. We'd sit & sleep on the floor in our refusal to have
as furniture or cabinets anything not made out of ceramic, metal, or porcelain.
That'd be the only way to truly live in harmony with all the other living
creatures we inhabit this planet with. But after all this writing on this
topic, I hate animals so much more than I ever did before! I just can't
wait for barbecue season, this year I'm going to feast! Oh no! What will
I use to fuel my fire? How long do you think dogs and cats have to dry
before they'll keep a fire going for three hours? If anyone from PETA knows
the answer to that question, please post it in the "Fan Speak" section,
I'd appreciate it! I have to plan for next winter, you know. (If J.Lo's
business associates are reading this, contact me if you want to buy any
of the fur I'm not planning to burn.)
Words of week.
Meretricious:
Plausible but false or insincere; specious: a meretricious argument.
Sectarian
One characterized by bigoted adherence to a factional viewpoint.
Bellicose:
Warlike
in manner or temperament; pugnacious
Posted by antiGUY on 2006/10/31 21:40:17 Dolly is the best!
Posted by Mike Feranda:
I'm laughing my ass off over here while eating chicken. Leg - You're an idiot and like most people who are ignorant, you twist things to your favor. As a kid, my mother served me steak, chicken and other meat. Not once did we go outside and beat the f*ck out of a cow or chicken for it. Your arguement is incorrect and has no bearing to this what so ever. The best part to this are your examples... killing and hurting cats and dogs? That's actually already illegal and we dont eat them. All animals used for consumption are killed humainly. Come up with another PETAriffic example.
Posted by dolly:
Leg, if animal torture is a sign of a budding serial killer, then we need allow this behavior; set up bait animals in areas with secret video cameras where serial killer wanna be's can go & feel safe as they pull the whiskers off kitty & rip the wings off flies. Then, when these psychos get older & move away to where transients are disappearing, cops can swing in & make the bust before too many die. The days of serial killers getting 30 victims are over, thanks to animals' partnership with people! Life with 2 victims per serial killer will be great! See that? Animals help out people again, those useful & tasty critters!
Posted by BUTCH:
you're fukking stupid.--i just want to eat fried chicken and your talking about serial killers and equating hispanics to animals. infriggingsane--i live in an apartment in washington d.c. ralph nader is my neighbor. so i frequently find myself around some of you green-blooded facists. go stick a hemp dildo in yer dumb a$$--but first, let me get this correct, are you suggesting that the efforts of PETA would reduce the likelyhood of people becoming serial killers? you ARE delusional. lets kill some cows and paint our bodies with their blood and worship the sun. fukk you, leg. and fukk your vegtables.--Love, BUTCH
Posted by LEG:
Butch (educate yourself on the animal to human connection and you sound like there may be an anger management problem or maybe you have too many "tacks" in your pants)
Violent acts toward animals have long been recognized as indicators of a dangerous psychopathy that does not confine itself to animals. “Anyone who has accustomed himself to regard the life of any living creature as worthless is in danger of arriving also at the idea of worthless human lives,” wrote humanitarian Dr. Albert Schweitzer. “Murderers ... very often start out by killing and torturing animals as kids,” according to Robert K. Ressler, who developed profiles of serial killers for the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI). Studies have now convinced sociologists, lawmakers, and the courts that acts of cruelty toward animals deserve our attention. They can be the first sign of a violent pathology that includes human victims.
Animal abuse is not just the result of a minor personality flaw in the abuser but rather a symptom of a deep mental disturbance. Research in psychology and criminology shows that people who commit acts of cruelty toward animals don’t stop there; many of them move on to their fellow humans.
The FBI has found that a history of cruelty to animals is one of the traits that regularly appear in its computer records of serial rapists and murderers, and the standard diagnostic and treatment manual for psychiatric and emotional disorders lists cruelty to animals as a diagnostic criterion for conduct disorders.
A study conducted by Northeastern University and the Massachusetts SPCA found that people who abuse animals are five times more likely to commit violent crimes against humans. The majority of inmates scheduled to be executed for murder at California’s San Quentin penitentiary “practiced” their crimes on animals, according to the warden.
Notorious Killers
• As a child, serial killer and rapist Ted Bundy—ultimately convicted of two killings but suspected of murdering more than 40 women—witnessed his father’s violence toward animals, and he himself subsequently tortured animals.
• Earl Kenneth Shriner, who raped and stabbed a 7-year-old boy, was known in his neighborhood for hanging cats and torturing dogs.
• David Berkowitz (a.k.a. “Son of Sam”), who pleaded guilty to 13 murder and attempted murder charges, shot a neighbor’s Labrador retriever.
• Brenda Spencer, who opened fire at a California school, killing two children and injuring nine others, had repeatedly abused cats and dogs, often setting their tails on fire.
• Serial killer and cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer impaled the heads of dogs and cats on sticks.
Please let us all know Butch, you're a 26 year old that lives in a basement in the midwest right?
Posted by BUTCH :
if peta wants to b!tch about "rock stars" why don't they b!tch about their subpar music instead of their fur/leather/whatever clothes?--animal rights are not the same as women's/civil rights. for one simple reason: animals are not humans. also, do you realize how bigoted, racist and insane you sound by saying that JLo got her rights from people in the 60"s and now it is her turn to pass on the good will to..fukking animals? what are you saying? are all hispanics on the same level as dogs? you idiot. you can not project human traits and qualities on to animals and simply declare "they deserve rights too." what? does that mean moo-moo the cow now has the right to vote and file lawsuits against macdonalds? this it quack thought. now, i agree we should "humanely" kill our cows and chickens and if jlo wants to walk around with a necklace made of lamb eyeballs--fukkin let her.---oh and im 26 and am "very active in my community",just my kind of active ain't yer kind of active. go sit on a tack..
Posted by LEG :
It is a sign of the times when we are either uneducated, apathetic or too lazy to protest against the injustice to animals. PETA has it right and just like our civil rights/women's movement that we all so generously benefit as a inclusive society, their passion to protect the rights of those that have no voice is admirable and needed. 3 cheers for the bold enough to challenge our "rock star icons" that are generally so self-absorbed to notice their actions and are watched and imitated by the mindless masses that still believe "Jenny is from the block" - give me a break people! If you ever had to work with celebrities face to face, you'll acutely know that they have done a GREAT job MARKETING their image to the public - fact of the matter most are egocentric and self-absorbed. Wake up J-Lo as you are accepted today as a Hispanic woman as a result of the enlightenment from the protests of the 60's. You need to give back now. YOUR TURN! I am hoping that most of the comments posted are from 80 year old men or stepford wives from the 50's cause it breaks my heart if you're in your 20's! Get off the computer and make a difference (JLO will become enlightened when the $ impact is felt)
Posted by dolly:
Thanx a lot, now I'm starvingravenouslyfamished hungry!
Anyway, where are the 'corn, soybeans, carrots, etc' protest pages, huh??
Posted by Mickey Mouse:
This is pretty funny, but interesting too:
FactoryFarming.com
Posted by DeadSun:
Yes indeed, Butch. I believe that a brilliant expose of this inhumane practice is showcased in the Wizard of Oz.
Posted by BUTCH:
while the crys of carrots are bloodfreezing nothing compares to pain and utter agony an aplle tree feels when its apples are taken from it. its like "sophies choice". the evil humans/nazis come up to the tree and force the tree to pick which one of its children/apples it must give up. and not just give them up. but the trees have their children ripped from their arms/branchs, placed in wooden crates, sprayed with chemicals, shipped in mass transit train cars to supermarkets where greedy consumers buy them, take them home and eat them. the injustice being committed here is beyond our undersanding. the poor, poor trees. save the trees. im gonna cry...
Posted by DeadSun:
This isn't funny. I suppose none of you heartless bastards has ever heard the cry a carrot makes, as it is pulled from the ground. Vegetarianism is murder.
Posted by dolly:
Butch, can you splash it with red paint before you mail it to me? Cutting out the middleman will be so much more efficient, thanx bud!
Posted by BUTCH:
yeah, greenie, do it. i'm in rare form. ---cant wait ta read it
Posted by GREENMUSE:
damn i need to get a column out.
Posted by BUTCH (INHUMANE PERSON):
right on, dolly! i'll be mailing you a fur coat some time in the future.
Posted by dolly:
Humane, why do research when it's more fun, easier & faster to just make stuff up!
Posted by HUMANE PERSON:
What is your problem? Do some research before you go out and attack such a great corporation like PETA.
Posted by Porcupine:
Right then Butch, more's the pity. Anuj, nice website. Count on self-admitted fundamentalist christians to see only what they want to see. "The curse of God is upon the rock & roll scene" indeed.
Posted by BUTCH:
anuj, that website is frightening.--porc, i dont want a column. i wouldnt know what to do with it if i had it. i rather the roving, raving, drunken lunatic position. y'all post yer thoughts and i;ll pi$$ on 'em. ya know the deal. "baby, im lost/baby im lost/baby im a lost cause"
Posted by dolly:
Holly, thank you for not threatening to burn down my house and murder my children by ripping their lungs out through their eye sockets.
Anuj- FUNNY!! website, thanx!
Posted by Caught in a Mosh:
Now they are suing KFC, what the f*ck, its a damn chicken.
Posted by Anuj:
http://www.wayoflife.org/fbns/rockmusicand.htm ---- check this out
Posted by Mark:
Animals are ours... to eat, to wear, to experiment on and for our entertainment. Because that's what being on top of the food chain's really about.
Posted by Porcupine:
You got me with mendacious, although if I'd thought etymologically, I would have figured it out. Carrots have conciousness, so let the rabbits wear glasses. Butch seriously needs a column.
Posted by Holly:
Wow! I am seriously impressed. I work at PETA and I've read so many "Plant's Rights" arguments, jokes, come-backs...and NONE of them are as delightful as yours. Well done, except for the part about grilling animals and supporting fur...those parts would SUCK were this not satire.
Posted by ??:
PETA is a terrorist group.
Posted by GREENMUSE:
id vote for butch.ive been wanting to pee on the posies for years now.
Posted by CommercialRedundancy:
It is called satire, jackass.
Posted by SS:
Butch for President!
Posted by BUTCH:
actually, peta's devotion to animals is laughable. who cares? if dogs and cats could eat us they would. destroy the world, kill the animals and eat them, pi$$ on the grass, melt the ozone. it makes no difference--no matter what humanity does humanity will be right in what it does because the concepts of "right" and "wrong" are subjective ideas invented by humans in order to make ourselves more controlable and less threatening. we are part of nature and whatever we do to nature, nature will adapt and, in the end, have the last laugh. so lets all go kill motley crue and drink rum out of their skulls while we all pee on flowers.--BARF SPIT PUKE
Posted by D:
PETA's devotion to animals it laudable...but you, you're a worthless SOB
