In accordance with federal legislation
prohibiting discrimination, after a lengthy & expensive legal battle
to prevent me from contributing a monthly column presenting views contrary
to all antiMusic represents, I am pleased to announce the launch of your
new favorite feature on antiMusic: a lone voice of sanity in the insanity
that's antiMusic, the place where you can come for reliable advice on what
to think, the Veridical Polemic a.k.a. "I'm Always Right" column with Dolly
Doppelganger! Read my words and obey them if you want to be right all the
time, just like me!
As always the views expressed
by the writer do not neccessarily reflect the views of antiMUSIC or the
iconoclast entertainment group .
It's No One's Fault, Especially
Mine!!
What a horrible tragedy that the singer
of the Vines has Asperger's Syndrome! Now everyone knows that such a thing
makes assault & maliciously damaging a photographer's camera perfectly
justifiable. What a great judge, to set this 'can't help it because he's
handicapped' criminal free! I know a kid with Aspergers, he blew his piano
teacher away on his first lesson. I don't mean with a shotgun- yet. In
light of this legal ruling, I'll keep a closer eye on him. Obviously he's
going to become a dangerous threat to everyone he knows. I'm so relieved
that Vines guy had the manly courage to admit in open court that even though
he committed crimes that non handicapped individuals would have been harshly
dealt with over, since he has a very mild form of Autism, he is completely
absolved of any and all future charges against him for anything he does.
I just hope he doesn't decide to become a serial killer!
All I ever noticed about Aspergers people
is that before this affliction turns them into a violent, deranged criminal,
they have unbelievable musical or artistic prowess. When this kid went
for his first piano lesson, his violently unbelievably first attempt left
the piano teacher on the floor, gasping for breath & clawing at her
bottle of nitroglycerine, in shock at this young prodigy's untapped brilliance.
Now we know the real reason for that behavior, don't we! He must have smuggled
a ball peen hammer with him to meet the teech. This young kid performs
live concerts without the sheet music. Hopefully this disease doesn't ravage
him to the point where he's holding up convenience stores & pistol
whipping the clerks to pay for his piano tunings! But if he does, what
a relief that this might one day help him in court by documenting that
since he can't help what he does, all charges against him must be dropped.
Now that this singer of the Vines has revealed the truth for all of us,
I now know that Aspergers apparently has nothing to do with musical talent
in some of it's victims. I had no idea that sometimes the only talent it
gives people is in evading their responsibility for their actions. I guess
everyone has a little touch of Aspergers, I can't wait to see how Paris
Hilton's new CD sounds like for that reason!
Everyone knows that self discipline is
for suckers. Now that it's illegal to spank your kids, or hold them responsible
for any of their actions, we are closer to realizing a dream of many, myself
included- no personal accountability, for anything! We're still too far
from this, but we're getting closer! Every time I read about certain lawsuits
that some deem 'frivolous', I know we're getting warmer. Some kids, for
instance, were throwing rocks off a bridge, onto the traffic below. One
of their missiles destroyed the windshield of a semi-truck, smashing into
the empty passenger's seat. The truck driver nearly caused a multi
car pile up swerving off to the side of the road to illegally park his
rig and go chasing those scared little lambs up the hill. He caught one
of them, a young, underage boy. The furious, terrifying truck driver then
injured the boy's arm by squeezing it tightly with his adult strength &
refusing to let him go, screaming in his face & berating him to tell
him private, personal information like who & where his parents were.
I am so glad those wise parents had that trucker arrested for kidnapping,
which is the legal term for holding someone against his will, as well as
sued him for the emotionally traumatizing experience he brutalized the
boys with. No one got hurt in the truck driver's life, the rock was just
startling. In the boys' lives, however, they both probably now suffer from
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, since they both probably were terrified
that the out of control truck driver was going to kill them, or kidnap
them, and one of them ended up with a hurt arm as well. It's lawsuits like
that that give me hope for a better future for kids of tomorrow by clearly
defining "victim" and "victimizer".
I hit a 12 or 13 year old kid with my
minivan a few summers ago. It was absolutely terrifying! He came flying
out of a tree & shrub hidden driveway, looking at his front tire. Since
he was only about 10 or 15 feet in front of me, I could see clearly what
he was doing. I hit the brakes and after roughly 4 months, my death ride
finally came to a full stop, on top of him and his bike. Before I could
even get my seat belt off, or open my door enough to get out, this little
Jack in the box that I almost killed came popping up from underneath my
front end saying, "I'm OK!" I was shaking so badly I about couldn't stand
up, but I managed to choke out, "Well good. Let's go talk to your parents."
He responded by jumping on his bike & saying, "No way! I'm fine!!"
and took off in the opposite direction as fast as he could pedal. I yelled
after him, "But this is the kind of thing your parents need to know about!"
He yelled back, "Nope! Besides you don't know where I live anyway!" Who
was at fault in this case? Not me & not that kid! The shrubbery
was at fault. And the kid's parents are at fault, for being too zealous
in their discipline of him. This little boy obviously can barely function,
he is so obsessed with his terror over his parents' version of discipline
that he can't even look both ways before crossing the street. The government
needs to fix those problems as well as people's bushy hedges before someone
gets killed!
That event in my life made me realize
that people need to stop punishing their kids when they have done something
they think is "wrong". What a poor, traumatized kid, being forced to endure
the indignity of being run over, yet too terrified of his probably abusive
parents to even tell them about the events in his exciting day. It's families
like this that stand in the way of progress. Parents who use any form of
discipline at all on their kids should have to take parenting classes,
and agree to have a family monitor come live with them until their kids
are out of the house. I think this will go far toward the goal of centering
society around more feelings oriented outcomes. This idea will make for
much less wars, I bet. Think about the national mood right after the World
Trade Towers were hit. The country was awash in friendly sentiments like
'this was our own fault & it's good this happened to teach us a lesson
about how bad we suck as a country and anyway, religions that advocate
death to the enemy are really peaceful ones that we should explore &
embrace!' Wasn't life all warm & fuzzy then? It sure was! We need to
go back to that, to only pointing the finger at inanimate objects, ideologies
or finding even better justifications for crimes committed. Everyone knows
that a life where everyone is free to do whatever they want, whenever they
want is the only life worth living. We may have to put up with more assaults,
robberies, murders, and things we consider "illegal" right now. But this
is a small price to pay to be utterly free of all constraints. Too bad
anarchists won't unite with us for this excellent cause. We could make
that Vines guy our leader!
Words of week. Acerbic:
Sharp
or biting, as in character or expression
Puerile:
marked by or suggesting childishness and immaturity
Calumniatory:
(used
of statements) harmful and often untrue; tending to discredit or malign;
modern documentary filmmaker
Posted by dolly d.:
The use of heavy medications before reading my column is always strongly advised. But make sure you bring enough to share!
Posted by Shoebag:
I'm serious I really laughed. I'm just frustrated about how lame the Nirvana boxset is (thans for the 4 differnt verisons of "Rape Me" instaed of all the cool Peals Season stuff) and took it out on you. I'll take my meds before reading your collum in the future for a more unbiased approach.
Posted by Shoebag:
"'Tupperwearables!'plastic underwear I didn't think would fit him".
SEE, NOW THAT WAS FUNNY!
Posted by dolly d.:
Thanx, pocupine for entertaining our new lovely guest, D.bag; I was so busy digging around for a prize to send him because he insisted he won, but all I could find was a piece of moldy American cheese from under the meat drawer in the fridge, and my new "Tupperwearables!" plastic underwear I didn't think would fit him.
Posted by Porcupine:
Oh, Shoebag...whining about your parents again? As before, I'll translate their concerns. It's not the volume, per se. You are bad at the guitar. Your playing is discordant. It may not have dawned on you that there are things called 'notes'. For instance, when you try to bend a string up one 'note', and end up only three quarters of the way there, the result causes your long-suffering parents to want to put their heads through the walls to make the pain stop. And no, cranking up the distortion or jumping up and down on the wah like a trampoline does not solve this problem. What you have taken for nagging was really more akin to begging or pleading. So have a heart...use some headphones.
Posted by Shoebag:
Jesus Christ, cry me a F u c k'n river. I'm gonna refrain from reading Dolly's articles from now on. I already have to listen to my mom nag me about playing guitar too loud (at least she doesn't try to be deep or intelligent). Oh, right... it was suppose to be funny. Ha. Yeah The Vines are a really s h i t t y band from Australia trying to rip Nirvana (kinda like Silverchair meets Urban Outfitters) and yeah everyone makes excuses for themselves, and YES I BRAKE THE LAW AND MAKE EXCUSES TOO. If you haven't you're a liar. But what I'm saying is if you don't have any solid advice to give us (except how raise our kids),shut up. F u c k, you're like Dr. Laura meets Alternative Press. Are either of those 2 any good? CHECK AND MATE.
p.s. I win.
Posted by dolly d.:
Thanx, Bobby D. for explaining why it's OK for Aspergers people to beat others up & trash their property, now we better understand why their criminal behavior is excusable.
Hope when your son gets busted for assault, etc. the jail is nice & close so you can visit him every week if he ends up in front of a real judge.
Posted by Bobby Drake:
Re:Aspergers Disorder
My son has Aspergers and is now 10 years old.We have been seeing an MD in child psychiatry for 7 years.Kids with Aspergers lack social cues,very sensitive in touch,hearing,seeing and smelling,in otherwords,a light tap on our shoulders is equal to a punch by mike tyson,a whisper to our ears is like yelling in their ears.They fear aggression,their brain is wired different.You wouldn't get angry at a deaf person for not reacting to your comments?
Posted by Hobo:
In the words of Australian death/grind act Awkward's T-Shirt: "Does PC stands for politically correct or poofter cvnt?"
Posted by Caught in a Mosh:
I'm sick of the PC bullsh!t too, completely retarted.
Nice Monty Python reference Porcupine.
Posted by cool guy:
I just read a good one that came from Denver. Two young girls were sued by a neighbor for delivering some home made cookies to her door. And the crazy thing is the stupid neighbor that was suing them won!! Can you imagine doing something nice for no other reason than to be a good neighbor and be sued for it. I no longer want anything to do with this country. Next time this women is going to sue the girl scouts for trying to sell her cookies. Or better yet this half crazed women will now arm herself to the teeth for the sole purpose of defending herself from rouge cookie merchants. I can see the headlines now “ women kills three girl scouts when they came to her door. Judge says killings are justified because the women was scared and confused.” I am going to go kill my self now and tell my family to sue this women because that story made me hate life.
Posted by Porcupine:
You got me with atrabilious and calumniatory. Oh, what sad times are these. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history. DOLLY D, CHAINSAW IN FROSTBITTEN HAND: Did you say 'shrubberies'?
PORCUPINE: Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is 'Porcupine the Shrubber'. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
Posted by DeadSun:
Also: I'm jolly thrilled to have learned a new word--- "atrabilious". Let's hear it for having a peevish disposition. Hurrah!
Posted by GREENMUSE:
i cant wait to dope little abby up,to the point where she hears voices and finally murders me in my sleep with a rotato.i got sick when i heard of the bumper too,the poor gsx didnt even have a chance to defend itself.
Posted by dolly d.:
Great news! I just got sick when I read about the broken nose, so I'm going to add myself to the lawsuit, a class action one will attract WAY more dollars!
Also, I found a sympathetic drug vendor who sells me liquid Ritalin by the 55 gallon drum. This is going to make my new job of 'kool aid lady' at the elem school so wonderful!
Sorry Dead, I chainsawed the bushes last week, in the cold weather. My hands got so numb I had to sue the county for damages. Until I wrap up that suit, I'm going to be too busy to sue the sticks & ashes of the former shrubbery. Thanx, though!
Posted by DeadSun:
I want that shrubbery's name, home address, and daytime telephone number. The shrubbery must be persecuted to the fullest extent of the law--- and the fact that it may happen to be a particularly verdent, full shrubbery doesn't matter in the slightest. Furthermore: we as adults--- though no longer in possession of the option to discipline children--- still have hope. We can pump them full of ADD drugs. That's right--- if you can't hit 'em, dope up the little bastards. It's the only civilized thing to do.
Posted by GREENMUSE:
damn straight.over at the car boards im a member of this one guy is being sued because he broke this guys nose.ok,fair enough.but the story behind it is the guy he decked was walking around his car saying what a piece of crap it was,then kicked it,cracking the front fascia.and this guy has the balls to sue the puncher for breaking his nose after he willfully damaged the puncher's property.
Posted by The Metal Lord:
right on people need to ake responsibility for there actions and quit blameing others for there own actions.
