In accordance with federal legislation
prohibiting discrimination, after a lengthy & expensive legal battle
to prevent me from contributing a monthly column presenting views contrary
to all antiMusic represents, I am pleased to announce the launch of your
new favorite feature on antiMusic: a lone voice of sanity in the insanity
that's antiMusic, the place where you can come for reliable advice on what
to think, the Veridical Polemic a.k.a. "I'm Always Right" column with Dolly
Doppelganger! Read my words and obey them if you want to be right all the
time, just like me!
As always the views expressed
by the writer do not neccessarily reflect the views of antiMUSIC or the
iconoclast entertainment group .
MYOB!! Killing MY Kids is MY Business! (Paging Eddie Vedder)
I don't know about you, but I was shocked
when the Texas Court System locked up Andrea Yates for aborting her 5 kids
after they were born. Who were that judge & jury trying to suck up
to, pro life, right wing conspirators? I can't think of anything more deplorable
than a woman getting punished for exercising her constitutionally protected
right to choose to kill her kids. That 'right of privacy' clause in the
Constitution does include postnatal abortions done in the privacy of a
person's bathtub, after all. Have no fear, I'm always right. Andrea is
a modern day Rosa Parks, acting on behalf of moms that hate their kids
after they're born as well as before. I've decided to celebrate her impending
release & exoneration after her new trial, as well as the 32 year anniversary
of Roe vs. Wade by knocking off one of my little annoying kids, probably
my 5 year old. I'll either stab him in the base of the skull with a pair
of scissors, then shop vac out his brains, or I'll hack him into little
pieces, I haven't decided yet. But before we heap all of the praise for
advancing women's rights on Andrea alone, we must look at those who have
gone before her.
First came The Declaration of Independence.
This document was crucial to this country, because it sets forth our utter
independence from all restraints, giving us Americans full freedom to do
whatever we feel like, whenever we feel like doing it. It was this event
in history that cemented my right to kill anyone who gets on my nerves.
Next came The Gettysburg Address, the quiet end to years of slavery, after
the bloody but civil war that lie in between. This war set casualty records
unbroken until recently. At fault was the high tech weapons which outpaced
advances in the field of medicine. I'm happy to report that Roe vs. Wade
reversed this embarrassing statistic. In 2000, the formerly low tech field
of medicine killed more Americans than the Revolutionary War, the Civil
War, World Wars I & II, the Korean, Vietnam, & Gulf Wars combined!
But all human achievements pale in comparison to the central most important
event in all of history: the 1973 Supreme Court ruling that brought true
freedom to this country!
Before we continue, shed a tear over the
fact that there's only Wade today; Roe disqualified herself from mention
in this column by crossing over to the other side. She now fights to get
the most important decision in all of history overturned. Hey, thanx, Jane!
Maybe you could get a descendant of Abe Lincoln to reinstate slavery, while
you're at it! In the days before abortion, after all, women were enslaved
by men. More accurately, by their unwanted offspring. Every unwanted pregnancy
was a woman's personal 9/11, but worse- a war waged in her body, by a legally
protected terrorist of great cunning, who high jack sperm, break into eggs
& explode into millions of cells. The men in this country don't advocate
a pacifistic approach to wars waged on native soil, how hypocritical to
expect women to!
Feminists and abortion activists all agree
that this is the most brilliant, perfect, complex but simple, wonderfully,
excellent, peak of legal perfection decision ever passed down in the history
of all recorded history. The Romans inventing representative government,
the discovery of the heliocentric movement of the planets, the discovery
of penicillin, and all the other major scientific breakthroughs of all
the years this planet has existed are worthless compared to the profound,
life changing significance of Roe v. Wade. This ruling, representing the
pinnacle of enlightened thinking, reversed thousands of years of legal
oppression of & discrimination against women. For the first time ever,
women could perform even greater acts of sacrifice than men, who can merely
abandon the children they create then don't want. The court officially
ruled that since kids are worthless, they should be butchered like chickens
if the woman who made them is so inclined, regardless of anyone's opinion,
including the dad's! Finally! A ruling that makes sense, and benefits so
many people! Given the fact that men are the primary cause of pregnancy,
they are in no position but to help us out of it in any way they can, even
if they are opposed to it. I have an excellent suggestion that needs to
be implemented immediately.
Since Andrea defined for an entire generation
what it truly means to be pro choice, Eddie Vedder is morally obligated
to throw together a "Rock Against Life" benefit concert for Andrea's legal
defense. He could get all of his "kill off future fans before they're born"
buddies to broaden their minds to include murdering future fans in their
childhood, as Andrea boldly did. You owe her at least that, Ed. She's been
on your side, now get on hers! The killing of children is one of the messages
you want spread far & wide, so c'mon out to Texas buddy, the weather
is fine, and your voice is needed! Anyway, since the Raven's Heart thing
is diametrically opposed to all you stand for, this is a real opportunity
to show you are benevolent; you just believe that the only good kid is
a dead kid. This could lead to great things in politics for you! You could
legalize all killings, while reforming the prisons by pointing out that
since murder is nothing more than a very late term abortion, legal is legal,
let 'em all out! You could run for president on that platform, dude!!!
Many celebrities would jump right on board with you on this one, as would
conservatives who want lower taxes, liberals who want more crimes decriminalized,
people formerly known as murderers and everyone in between.
You could use this to educate conservatives;
I just don't understand why they don't embrace abortion more than they
do. There's so little not to like about it, and so much to agree with!
They are just a hard political group to figure out. They pretend to like
deregulation, and big businesses. Yet the abortion industry is #2 only
to drug dealing in unregulated industries, and still they oppose it! It
shovels in $500 million dollars a year, making it a very big business that
creates lots of jobs, as it lowers the amount of potential welfare recipients,
but still they vote against it. People like this ignore plant & animal
murder rates, which are higher here than in any nation: they use paper
bags, they build big huge wooden framed houses, they wear fur & leather,
eat veal, don't care if chickens spend their lives imprisoned in a tiny
pen, unable to move, as they lay their eggs. Yet they have a double standard
for babies before they're even born. Those people just don't make sense.
They even oppose abortion when the woman's life is in danger, gimme a break!
If my life was in danger and I was pregnant, I know the only thing that
would make me feel safe would be to partially deliver my kid, flip him
over while holding his head in my uterus and give him the scissors &
shop vac treatment. This political group just doesn't make sense, and clearly
need some enlightenment.
But since Texas just loves executing people,
here is my list of who they could rightly prosecute instead. Her husband:
for not insisting they dump their results of conception into day care &
school so Andrea could do something besides sit home & hate her kids
all day. Andrea's parents: they need to stand in judgment for their poor
parenting for not teaching her when she was still a teenager, like Planned
Parenthood wants everyone to do, that abortion is best in the months prior
to live birth (with the exception of partial birth abortion, of course.)
At least Andrea made sure that her poor parenting broke this vicious cycle
of incompetence! None of her kids will ever abuse & poorly parent their
kids! Great thinking, Andi! This 'breaking the cycle of violence in families'
sound bite is the property of the YWCA, last time I checked. Maybe now
that they fired Patricia Ireland, they need to consider replacing her with
Andrea. Andrea is the epitome of women's rights (except for that backwards,
'stay home & hate the kids' bit. Oh well, Planned Parenthood gave Margaret
Sanger a historical revision that hid her secret, racist eugenics program,
YWCA could just do the same thing with Andi.) She's so pro choice that
she'll face the death penalty to stand up for the rights of women everywhere
to kill their kids. You go, girl! How about pro life people who keep clogging
the courts with protest lawsuits? If it weren't for them, we'd be as civilized
as the Swedish or the Dutch, where you can drop off your elderly relatives,
your retarded toddlers or any other unwanted byproducts of intercourse
at the hospital, pick up your dry cleaning, pop into a coffee house for
a while, then go back & pick up urns of your formerly loved ones' ashes.
Advanced ideas from countries like those need to be implemented here. Since
America is an automobile dependant culture, though we may not be the first
to legalize euthanasia & infanticide, we could be the first to offer
these crucial services via drive-thru!
So what do you say Mr. Vedder? Andrea's
women's right crusade could go all the way to the Supreme Court but she
needs your help. When the concert date & details for Andrea are finalized,
be sure to post the info in the 'fan speak' section of this article so
we all know where to send money. Unless, of course you're all tied up in
Florida for the upcoming cutting of the Terry Schiavo's feeding tube ceremony.
Has her family invited you, as the "Rock Against Life" chairman & founder,
to do the honors? Just think!! One more beneficiary of choice! Try not
to pee yourself in excitement! Since Veridical Polemic contacted you with
this excellent plan for this benefit concert, it's only fair we get first
crack at publicizing this event. See ya soon!! And by the way, you're welcome!
Posted by Rex:
That didn't stop Ned's parents from having him. And he takes after them!
Posted by Porcupine:
Oh yes!!! You're just the quintessential pro-choicer, aren't you Ned Tugent? You're so pro-choice that you're actually anti-choice! Women should have the right to choose, unless they "have absolutely NO business being parents". Simply brilliant. Let freedom ring baby! Good grief. And in you're new system of forced abortions who gets to decide who's a fit parent? You? Are you gonna decide that this baby shouldn't get a chance at life because his parents are losers?
Posted by Ned Tugent:
Not only do I think abortion should be legal, I think it should be enforced in some instances, because there are people out there who have absolutely NO business being parents.
Posted by GREENMUSE:
my view is if you dont like abortions,dont have one.i think we need more abortions to thin down the gene pool slightly,the aborted kids can then be used as a cheap food and fuel source,possibly for cheap housing too.the fuss over abortion is about as silly as the war on drugs.
Posted by Out in the Cold:
Geez! Can't we all just get along....I thought this was a music site and no Eddie Vedder is not a musician, he is an aspiring political zealot with a day job singing in a band!
Posted by LithiumBliss:
Why does DeadSun get to do two columns?
Posted by Beans:
100% pro-lifers are just silly.
Posted by cool guy:
With all of my jokes aside I am actually pro choice. I think abortion is not always the only way and I think the world we be a good place if nobody used it but I think that the option should still be there.
Posted by The MEtal Lord:
Pleese tell me your kidding ifg you are man you are one sick littile cruler.
Posted by ??:
We all know you are far from a extreme radical conservative. And by going by your posts here you are far from a anti-religious crusader liberal lemming. See what resorting to namecalling does? But I admit when I may be wrong.
Posted by Porcupine:
Wow, here's irony for you. I find myself siding with ?? against someone who called me an "extreme radical conservative", while it was ?? who earlier refered to me as an "anti-religious crusader liberal lemming." And he tells people not to resort to namecalling. This is quite the identity crises for me.
Posted by ??:
Here is an idea, why don't you left-wing pro-choice people try and debate without resorting to namecalling? Wait, you can't that removes 90% of your talking points. What is a radical prolife position anyway? Being against abortion is suddenly radical? Did anyone advocate aborting abortion doctors? That is radical. You guys sure love your buzzwords, but sadly only stupid people buy into them. I know you are counting on that, I mean Lennon taught you well.
Posted by Porcupine:
cool guy, you lack the courage of your convictions, your ineffectual sarcasm notwithstanding. The day I see you actually lobbying for the extermination of retards and homeless people is the day I'll have respect for your pro-choice position, heartless though it may be. Until then you're just another schmuck making empty-headed justifications, unwilling to see them through to their logical conclusion.
Posted by ??:
Here is an idea how to stop unwanted children from being born. Don't sleep around unless you are willing take responsibility. I know that's an extreme right wing view and all but I'll stand by it.
Posted by cool guy:
As you can see I changed my mind on the issue in my last post. But I think killing the homeless and the retards is a great idea. With all of them gone it will free up government funds for all the unwanted children that the government is going to force people to give birth too. And I can expand on this idea by killing all the orphans that dont get adopted by the time they turn ten.
Posted by Porcupine:
Steve, I'm not sure what your post was saying. The quotation marks made it ambiguous, so if you could please clarify?
Posted by Porcupine:
So cool guy, if economic stability is your justification for abortion, then why don't we execute retards? Homeless people perhaps? If we're gonna cull the burdensome from society, let's get serious, right? This is not a rhetorical question. I want to see your answer.
Posted by steve:
Wow. It seems a conservative "extreme," "radical" pro-life position is the new face of cutting-edge rebellion. What a discrace.
Posted by cool guy:
Ah I see money over life at all costs. This just happens to give you both. What could be better. You have just changed my mind. I am all for more tax payers. This means the US wont miss my money when I don't pay them this year.
Posted by dolly:
cool guy, our pyramid scheme social insecurity is why we need a steady flow of taxpayers into the system. This is why it's failing- potential taxpayers are being nurdered off, 40 million so far.
Posted by cool guy:
I hope all you pro life people have fun paying all the extra taxes that will come about if the US makes abortions against the law. Who else is going to pay for the huge amount if children that will overflow the orphanages. We will have to pay for more workers and new buildings. And it will not make more people want to adopt a child rather than have there own. It may sound cruel but if this happens like you pro lifers want it to it will only lead to overpopulation and more deaths of pregnant mothers who will have to go to some back ally abortion clinic that is much more unsafe that a real doctor and real operating rooms.
Posted by Caught in a Mosh:
Great use of sarcasm, exspecially this situation. pro life all the way
Posted by a side apart:
I loved your article dolly. I got some great laughs out of it before my class this morning. I am pro-choice but I realize how absurd some pro-choicers are when it comes to killing their children. In fact, who cares? It's all the same in the end i suppose (the aborting before or after birth). But I think in some cases that its better not to have a child than to birth it. Then again, these f**kers should have been using protection, been on the pill, and gotten vasectomies. So the real issue is people preventing the unwanted pregnancy in the first place. And as for the Andrea woman killing her kids, she just had issues. Maybe she should have killed her husband instead to let out her aggression. I think she had post-partum depression and that's why she killed her kids....or was that the other woman who killed her kids by drowning them in her car? Who knows!
Anyways, great article and great laughs. Keep up the great work.
Posted by Porcupine:
Oh Dolly...If your intention was to generate a useful debate you might as well have done a column arguing over deodorant brands. At least I expanded my vocabulary by two words.
Posted by dolly d:
aG, NOW has contacted me, they think I'm serious & sent a lovely flower arrangement. They love the drive through idea, but want it like a bank & grocery store: 4 or 5 lanes plus an express lane- 5 bodies or fewer. They want me to be their next prez!! Thanx for yer comments, Troy. Eddie Vedder is in Pearl Jam, that's the wispy link to the music world.
Posted by Troy Lurker:
This one should start a nice fight. The thing I like about your articles is that you take these absurd extreme positions to illustrate the absurdity of lesser positions. This one is a perfect example. I'm sure most 'pro-choice' people would find the idea of killing children abhorrent but will think of abortion as a reproductive rights issue. To the less militant, this may illustrate to them just how 'pro-life' people view abortion. To the 'pro-life' people killing children before they are born or after they are born is the same thing. They may be able to rationalize an unborn child down to a "choice". And when you do rationalize away the value of life is it really an absurd stretch of the imagination to cross the line and accept killing children after they are born? I really don't know how this became a women's rights issue and the 'pro-choice' people demoralized the debate. Maybe it's easy when the chief opponents are religious people. I do laugh when some 'pro-choice' people get high and mighty and discount those that oppose abortion as stupid. Arrogance is the best defense of denial. But that is another debate. This was an interesting article Dolly but sadly I fear that it won't change any of the 'pro-choicers' minds. Mark my words they will come here and vilify you because of what you wrote but just maybe a small few will understand that your illustration isn't that far of a stretch and maybe they will get off of their unjustified high horses and understand why 'pro-lifers' are against the killing of unborn children. It is a moral issue and about valuing life. I'm an agnostic and I'm pro-life because I just know that abortion is wrong. I doubt this article will open people eyes, but it would be nice to see that. Instead, I'm sure you'll get called a bunch of names instead. But that's nothing new either is it? After saying all of that, what does this have to do with music?
Posted by aG:
Dolly, you realize that NOW is going to take a hit out on you now. I know it's all tongue and cheek but I have known a few pro-abortion people that would take these extreme views. I can only imagine how the Pearl Jam fans are going to take this. But I going to laugh when the first person posts that thinks you are serious about this.
