In accordance with federal legislation
prohibiting discrimination, after a lengthy & expensive legal battle
to prevent me from contributing a monthly column presenting views contrary
to all antiMusic represents, I am pleased to announce the launch of your
new favorite feature on the antiMusic: a lone voice of sanity in the insanity
that's antiMusic, the place where you can come for reliable advice on what
to think, the Veridical Polemic a.k.a. "I'm Always Right" column with Dolly
Doppelganger! Read my words and obey them if you want to be right all the
time, just like me!
As always the views expressed
by the writer do not neccessarily reflect the views of antiMUSIC or the
iconoclast entertainment group .
Thank you, Brad & Jen!! I got
injured in the pop culture explosion & it's all my fault
I'm sure you're just like me & find
that reading about serious, depressing things happening in some foreign
part of the world to people you're not related to is incredibly boring.
I just can't feign enough enthusiasm to even read the little blurbs of
news about mud slides or the Tsunami on my Fox News home page anymore now
that this is in the headlines! Same goes for the war in Iraq. Who cares,
honestly, what is going on there, besides the people who hate the U.S.
& want us to lose, or someone that knows someone over there? The only
kind of depressing news I like, is when it is something from Sillywood.
Then it's news that doesn't really matter, and it fills me up just the
same. Yay! 2 more adults decide they love themselves too much to hold themselves
to a serious commitment they never should have made in the first place.
No time like today to set right the wrongs of the past: get the lawyer
on the phone, I'm outta here!
I am saddened to report that, oh nevermind.
You already know. Forget Asia, ignore Iraq, just let your mind wander away
for a few months to the impending unnuptuals and the finger pointing in
the death of yet another Hollywood marriage. This one hasn't yet begun
to stink, although it has been slowly floating to the surface like yesterday's
dead goldfish for some time now. As this soap opera begins to fully unfold,
prepare to be blown away by Hurricane Pittiston. Make room for the ravenous
shark press, they have an important job to perform. As the garbage men
of the sea, they must devour the flesh of the bloated corpse that the marriage
now is, fast, before it rots away to nothing, no matter how many times
they've tasted this exact same thing before. Then they have to gently vomit
it into our eager, open mouths. Mmmm, this is tasty! Thanx Mama Media!
My mom, who is more out of the entertainment
loop than I am, was the one who broke the sad news to me. She called me
up to tell me that Hollywood's shiniest power couple was over, and that
all the news channels were broadcasting that info, some even interrupting
the regular news to report this, as if such a thing was newsworthy. After
I finished shrieking with laughter, I grilled her for details. What part
of the regular news did they leave unread to report on this? Are we talking
network, or local news being interrupted? Who won the office pool for predicting
the divorce on this date? And most importantly, has the blame game started
yet?
How careless of me to forget that the blame
game had started months before this astonishing announcement. Just from
my biweekly grocery gathering expeditions, thanks to the many colorful
& lurid headlines at the checkout stands regarding the marriage problems
of two people I don't anticipate ever meeting in my entire life, I know
enough about what went wrong that I could be called in as a mediator in
this divorce. I'm sure I'll be getting that phone call some time this week,
but until then, let me hazard a guess as to what went wrong. Here, for
your enlightenment & entertainment, is my humble attempt to dish out
made up facts like everyone else, cuz I'm sure it's exactly what people
want to read.
1. "Troy" has gotten horrifyingly horrible
reviews, making the soon to be ex Mr. Aniston (TSTBXMA) fearful of the
mocking reports of the tabloids, and endangering his movie star career.
A divorce would mean they all lavish pity on him instead of ridicule, unless
of course they get the soon to be ex Mrs. Pitt (TSTBXMP) to give them exclusive
interviews, in which case, he'll soon be fighting accusations that he had
a habit of molesting their houseplants & kicking their dog every time
he got frustrated about rehearsing his lines when his favorite TV show
was on.
2. The "Friends" TV series is over, I'm
pretty sure. This means TSTBXMP no longer has a way to make sure people
think about her every week, which is career suicide for a TV star. A good,
sensational divorce would remedy this, with a job offer following the public
outpouring of support for her, unless of course the tabs talk TSTBXMA into
giving them exclusive interviews, in which case she'll soon be fighting
accusations that she was a lazy whore who slept every day till noon, beat
the illegal child servants she kidnapped from Mexico for cheap labor until
they were bloody, and even blinded one in a 'mommy dearest' type rage over
her dresses not being alphabetically categorized according to what month
they appeared in the pages of the mags.
3. It's really all her fault. They are
breaking up because her sloppy coven always left black candle wax all over
the sheets & Brad finally had enough.
4. It's really all his fault. His conversion
to being head environmental wacko on their block meant that he replaced
all of their flush toilets throughout the mansion with Biolet composting
toilets, and she was tired of being the one who always had to add the peat
moss & 'mulch' the garden with the resulting effluent. Great job, Jen!
I'm sure Brad & the environment appreciated your thankless task!
See that? It's either 2 people behaving
like little bee bees who refuse to set their egos aside to work on something
greater than either one of them separately, or it's all a mad headline
grabbing stunt. Whichever explanation makes you feel superior to them,
that's the reason you should cite when you wallow in their marital misery
in order to forget your own. Either B&J are not really getting a divorce,
or everyone heading in this direction needs to grow up. Just because they
had a common goal of being the answer to a Trivial Pursuit question one
day doesn't mean they are all that different from you & your spouse,
in whatever miserable state your marriage is in. If the pretty people are
willing to abandon their status as King & Queen of Hollywood, risking
people no longer being able to say "Brad & Jen" without including their
last names, maybe normal people should give their own marriage the critical
eye they usually reserve for that of the plight of the rich & famous.
But enough of that seriousness, back to
the cotton candy! Dry your tears, you gullible masses who were honestly
surprised by this announcement because "They used to look so happy together!"
Be comforted in the knowledge that at least B&J are ecstatic about
all the buzz & hype over the details of their dissolving marriage being
broadcast as it gets scavenged by media vultures, to feed us privacy raping
strangers. Mama Media is nurturing us with all the info we want, which
will help us get through this painful & difficult time. As soon as
B&J are satisfied that their point has been made, I promise you that
they will frisk off to the Cote d'Azure for a second honeymoon & get
work on conceiving that baby the tabloids promise they want. So don't be
shocked at this astonishing divorce news, don't be so depressed that you
call in sick & contemplate taking too many sleeping pills. The helpful
hourly updates in the press will guide us & comfort us! So rejoice!
Slam the lid on that trunk of doubts, and
watch, listen & learn. Hang out in your living room or wherever you
keep your news source for the latest chapters in this fascinating saga.
As you ogle their evolving life's story, don't give yourself a hard time
for being a nosy aficionado of an accident site. Don't ask yourself if
this is any of your business. Train wrecks, people getting field sobriety
tests at high noon, strangers arguing in person or on their cell phones
are very interesting spectator sports to seek out, in order to become a
more informed citizen of the modern world. What will you talk to your friends
about, if not the latest news from the pop culture front? And just being
able to spout headlines isn't enough. If you want to be witty & well
informed, you need to know lots of stuff, just like me! If you don't know
stuff, just make it up! That's what I've done for most of this article,
and look how nicely it's turning out!
Since publicity is what celebs with little
talent crave, you should feel good about your efforts to inform everyone
about every event in the lives of all the glittery, shiny people you don't
know. Jayson Blair & many deadline pressed writers make things up as
a matter of course, and no one cares. Anyway, you are secretly pleasing
the pretty people with your relentless curiosity, your phony tidbits. Maybe
some lie you tell will even lead them to be offered better film parts.
The more high profile they become, the more demand swells for them! What
else can explain Carmen Electra, or Paris Hilton, who are famous for nothing
at all? This is exactly what being a big famous star is all about- having
a huge following of people who know as much about them as their doctor
does. (Speaking of Jen's doctor, I'm planning to post for sale the results
of her preggo test from last fall that I dug out of their garbage. It'll
be on E-bay as soon as I look up the weird medical condition her doc scribbled
all over her test results. As soon as I get that listed, you antiFans will
be the first to know!)
Now get out there & help B&J through
this novelty that a Hollywood divorce is by learning all you can about
what's going on & burn up the internet with the details! Thank you
for your support!
Posted by Tyler Durden:
I didn't dump Rachel!
But she was a good f**k.
Posted by Tyler Durden:
I didn't dump Rachel!
But she was a good f**k.
Posted by aG:
Here I am having contributed here for 6 or the 7 years this place has been around and we have always had a sideline of non-music coverage here. Granted the focus is on music but as the great Greenmuse will tell you any interesting topic can be covered from time to time. And I'm not really confused because I know this fact and also I bothered to read at the top where it said "Popular Culture Explained". There is far more to popular culture than music. Dolly, great work as always! Keep confusing people, you are doing a great job!
Posted by GREENMUSE:
doesnt brad have a band?i thought all of those hollywood wankers has a band.despite this wanker implication he was awsome in snatch and fight club.
Posted by dolly d:
Greenmuse!! I know! I cry so hard every time I think of poster #1 Confused's scathing rebuke, BWAHHHH! Gotta go wipe off the snot before it drips into my keyboard!
Posted by GREENMUSE:
ive gotten away with not writing about music for years now.
Posted by The Evil Mr Grog:
LIKE I GIVE A F*CK...but i woulden't mind Jennifer sitting on my face without any pants, that'd be sweet doncha think???
Posted by Awesomo:
The important point is that Jen is available now. mmm. . .
Posted by dolly d:
Greenie, you must have used the same tattoo artist I used! Was that his suggestion, or yours?? Dontcha just love when people come up with innovative new uses for 5 gallon buckets? I'd do an article on that, but I already got in enough trouble when Mr. Confused down there at the bottom told on me for not writing about music! Now I have to send Keavin my computer keyboard for a time out!
Posted by Shoebag:
Tyler Durdan dumped Rachel? I guess she was just a "sport fu*k".
Posted by GREENMUSE:
i had it thug style across my stomach in olde english lettering with the biolet's "input hole"on my belly button.it had stink lines and everything
Posted by dolly d:
no ya don't, chuck, I'm really ugly.
Posted by Chuck DiMaria:
I want a poster of this girl. :) Nice work, Double D.
Posted by dolly d:
No man, biolet's da bomb!! Where is your Environlet potty or tattoo located, if you don't mind me asking?
Posted by Ross:
I think it was Envirolet composting toilets.
Posted by GREENMUSE:
i guess this renders my tattoo on my back reading"brad and jen 4-eva"pretty out of date.
Posted by cool guy:
My name is brad.
Posted by BUTCH:
who's brad and jen?
Posted by 5Against1:
Like most people I was initially devastated by the news. It's one of those moments in time, I'll always remember where I was when I heard about it, just like when JFK was shot or Farrah Fawcett left "Charlie's Angels". I doubled up on the Effexor for a couple of days and attended a hastliy organized support group, but who am I kidding?, only time can heal the disillusionment that Brad & Jen's "personal tsunami" has caused. If those two kids can't make it work, then who can? I've got to pull it together, I have responsibilities, Brad & Jen have an appointment today, just routine shots and stuff...oh, sorry, Brad & Jen are my cats. Would a just God let this happen? Hopefully we'll all pass this test.
Posted by confused:
it was about what band & which music release?
