In accordance with federal legislation
prohibiting discrimination, after a lengthy & expensive legal battle
to prevent me from contributing a monthly column presenting views contrary
to all antiMusic represents, I am pleased to announce the launch of your
new favorite feature on the antiMusic: a lone voice of sanity in the insanity
that's antiMusic, the place where you can come for reliable advice on what
to think, the Veridical Polemic a.k.a. "I'm Always Right" column with Dolly
Doppelganger! Read my words and obey them if you want to be right all the
time, just like me!
As always the views expressed
by the writer do not neccessarily reflect the views of antiMUSIC or the
iconoclast entertainment group .
Life is Too Confusing, it Needs
to be Simplified
The most confusing event in the world was
the phone call I got from some Democrat after the 2000 Florida Election
results made the Sunshine state the laughingstock of the known universe.
He called me up minutes after I'd voted in Broward County, insisting that
I had been disenfranchised. Huh? I'd been what? Then why am I not bleeding?
I demanded in response. Instead of answering my question, he told me that
he'd been busy calling up every voter registered as a Dem to tell them
this astonishing news. I was too busy pondering that big funny word he'd
hurled at me like a water balloon to consider if what he was doing was
legal & useful, or simply a well orchestrated maneuver by the left
to do what they could to hand the election to internet inventor Al Gore
before any votes had even been counted.
If "disenfranchised" was an actual word
I was going to need in real life, why on earth didn't my school ever mention
it? I don't recall that word ever appearing in any literature I was forced
to read in any grade of school. Hey, wait a minute, I wasn't forced to
read anything at all, come to think about it! I remember they gave us a
list of potential books we could read if we felt like it, Let me see if
I can find it really quick. Yeah, here it is. It's called, "Ways You Could
Spend Your Time, if You're Not Too Busy". Since it was so nice of them
to provide me with a list of what to read, rather than forcing me to flounder
around trying to compose my own list, I think I may have read one or two
on there, I don't know. It didn't really seem to matter. My parents didn't
care, they were too busy giving us a humongous roof over our head, a new
vehicle every other year, and a very comfortable way of life. Who has time
to check homework when there's credit card debt, vacation homes & fun
family vacations to pay for?
Wait!! I am forgetting something even
funnier & more relevant today! What does the title of my series mean?
I sent Keavin an email telling him that just because his name is spelled
wrong doesn't give him the right to go through life misspelling everything!
Doesn't that guy have spell checker? Well, to be fair to him, my spell
checker doesn't show that vertical spelled his way is spelled wrong, either.
It's so frustrating being smarter than not only spell checker, but everyone!
So "up & down" is the first part of my series name. Polemic? What is
he saying, that I don't have enough lead in my blood? That I need to take
supplements?? Just because some rock star was in the news a while back
for eating kitty litter or clay or paint chips or whatever it was doesn't
mean every one has a medical condition, Mr. Obsessed with the Inane! So
from that, we get my series name as "Misspelled Up & Down Ramblings
of a Sick Girl".
Whatever.
Everyone complains about the dumbing down
of America, well I say life isn't dumb enough. When people invade my home
through the media or by phone, it needs to be kept simple. I am extremely
busy! I don't want to think for myself, I want a sound bite! The media
has all the answers, and they look so nice, they have earned their positions
of trust to deliver the news to me, so obviously their opinions are correct,
and theirs the only ideas worth embracing. This is what I learned in school-
I got a smiley face sticker every time I was right. Being right was a simple
matter of my every thought being in conformity with the peoples' clearly
in charge. Since I have been conditioned to seek out & believe &
parrot back whatever the current logic is, why deviate from the route that
we've all been living since Kindergarten? Some reward surely follows swallowing
& accepting what's fed to you. antiMusic people, believe that! Whatever
the popular trend in thinking is, join in! Be one of the enlightened, ban
guns while you defend terrorists rights, stand up for the lives of condemned
killers as you demand the 'right' to abort innocent babies, rescue animals
and protest wars that free people from despots! If CNN & MTV espouse
it, it's a pretty safe way to think, I bet. Don't you dare look at both
sides of the issue, or you'll be an idiot! Everyone knows that's what's
mainstream is what's best & I'm always right!
I read something really incredible this
morning: an actual test from an 1895 8th grade final exam. It is WAY too
hard! One question said, write down all the countries in Europe & give
their capitals! Now gimme a break, who cares?!? "Find Europe on a map"
is more like it! Another question deals with getting the kid to find the
answer to a how much a loan costs with interest over a certain period of
time. DUH! That's the bank's job! A history question demands that the poor,
helpless kid come up with events for a series of obscure dates, like 1607,
1800 and other such non famous years like that. Now what would the purpose
of this question be? This is an 8th grade, not a teacher's final!
That's something that improved the quality
of education, now that I'm on the subject of teachers. Hiring someone to
teach math that has a degree in teaching, rather than a degree in math
was a huge, giant leap in the right direction for all educational disciplines.
People that actually majored in the subject they want to teach just don't
know enough about how kids think to simplify their subject matter, I bet.
That's the only way to get everyone heading in the same direction academically.
Somewhere I read that schools are best off educating kids as though they
were consumers. Yup, they might drop out if it's not snappy & entertaining
enough, so cater to them! Sesame Street taught me that learning was fun
& full of songs & dances & puppets, what a brutal reality to
find out that's not what school is like. So since they can't teach me everything
in an hour, with lots of zippy colors and action, the least they could
do is make it easy!
Bill Cosby got in heaps of trouble a while
back for his deranged rant against Ebonics and other important institutions.
According to him, "You can't be a doctor with that crap coming out of your
mouth!" Sorry, Mr. C, you forgot about Dr. Dre! Today's urbanophiles have
the same basic need we all do: to be understood. Ebonics instruction was
an excellent way to help linguistically impoverished kids from the suburbs
understand this new language their musical idols were speaking. Following
the rules of grammar is so onerous, but how can dozens of centuries of
enslavement to these rules be overcome by the slaves? We need Ebonics to
set us free! We should all get in line for reparations, since the grammatical
slavery of today is one and the same as physical slavery of yesterday.
MTV has done so much to advance this noble, worthy & important cause
of helping us understand those uttering a different language, yet when
was the last time you saw an "MTV Initiative" on the ballot in the local
school board race? I think I will run for school board out here next election
so I can push some important agendas to help the kids of the next few generations.
Although I can waste time wishing I were in school today, hiding under
my desk pretending I was on a desert island having to figure out which
one of my family I'd eat if I were in danger of starvation, concrete action
is better. I am so pleased that my grandkids at least will get a better
education than me. Hopefully by then the words 'disenfranchised'
& 'veridical' will be nothing but a faint memory from a much more arcane
time.
Posted by GREENMUSE:
nah,im part of the group they blame for losing the election.sure the loss couldnt have anything to do with gore being just like bush only sneakier about it.no,it was those blasted green's that cost the election.i wish i could be disenfranchised,its been too long since ive had a good disenfranchisment in the clover.
Posted by dolly d:
So you got the phone call from the dems, then.
Was that helpful to you, or just orchestrated? :)
Posted by GREENMUSE:
this saddens me.here i thought broward was home to at least a few decent people.looks like its back to just being me.
Posted by dolly d:
Guys, sorry. I lied about living in Florida. I thought it'd be funnier to write that as if it happened to me rather than as though I'd heard that claim from some fire breathing card carrying member of the vast right wing conspiracy. Last time I was in Florida I was 6 & I left my shoes at the Gulf of Mexico. If anyone has found them, please mail them back to me, I miss them so much I still cry over that sad & fateful day. (sorry, that's a lie too. I just can't stop!!)
Posted by GREENMUSE:
shh,if it wasnt for archaic phrases,my column would have ended before it ever started.this is further proof that florida will slowly take over antimusic.good to see another representing broward.see?we all arent old fogeys who cant operate a simple voting machine.joll good show.
Posted by 5Against1:
"Beating a dead horse"? It behooves an author to avoid using such archaic phrases. Sorry, couldn't resist.
Posted by cool guy:
I like your rant but you sure do switch topics faster than a meth head thats got ADD. But no complaints from me for I am the same way. Its nice to see another wacky Floridian hear too.
Posted by dolly d.:
Wes Rains, actually there's something MUCH worse!! It's spouting cliches in a review! 'Beating a dead horse'? Could you honestly not think of a more original attack than that? Were you too busy to think, dashing off a quick note before you had to take your mom's pet rat Fifi for her monthly enema, toenail painting & teeth filing session?
You see, Wes? You are walking proof that this week's Veridical Polemic is fresh, important and desperately relevant. Kids today just can't think for themselves, what are we to do? Now go plan what hackneyed phrase you'll use in your next critique.
Posted by Wes Rains:
Nothing worse than somebody beating a dead horse.
Posted by 5Against1:
Ebonics is still evolving. Apparently mangling the language wasn't the last step, now it's starting to condense. "Bro" is now "br", as in "'sup br?" "All right" went to "aiightt" and finally ended up as "aitt". "no sa?" has replaced "nome sane?" when an Ebonics user wants to make sure he's been understood. If the curent trend continues, kids will be communicating through a series of grunts within 10 years. There some positive aspects though, if "War and Peace" is ever translated into Ebonics, it would only be 13 pages long, thus saving hundreds of trees.
Posted by Eagles:
The solution: Let the foolish and the weak languish, stop offering state aid and gradually as nature takes it's course we will have more intelligent, worthwhile people around. Of course that will be an unthinkable until the US collapses economically. The actions of the US Govt. for many years (decades now) have sowed the seeds of our future decay and the lead economists are well aware of this though like Stephen Roach did recently, they disclose the knowledge only to a select few. Well I'll tell you now, prepare yourself by saving (but not in dollars, tangible foreign assets are your best bet).
Posted by Angel of Death:
That was pretty damn funny, i like your sense of humor. Another great columnist for antimusic, this site is great!
Posted by DeadSun:
I like the cut of your wit, Doppleganger. (ahem) I mean--- yo dopple, dat sh*t be stupid crazy. it be slappin' bustaz down widd'a strong pimp hand, muthaf*cka. Dat bein' on da real. --- and there you have it. My contribution to the furthering of contemporary society's ebonical endeavors. DS
Posted by dolly d.:
Nick- you are a funny man. Keep up the great work, and keep watching that tele! It's obviously doing marvelous things for your intellect.
Nayrb-I appreciate you straightening out Nick, he was too busy laughing at my stupidity to get the joke, as amazing at that is.
Stupid f#@k- (the things parents name their kids, there oughttta be a law. I know a guy named Anheuser Busch, did your dad & his dad kick it together?) Anyway, if I could condense anything I do to one sentence, my husband would be the first to rejoice.
And Hobo- You da man, thanx for the high praise.
Posted by Hobo:
You remind me of me. Except you're tounge-in-cheek.
Posted by stupid f#@k:
How about dumbing your rant down to about one sentance next time?
Posted by Nayrb:
You're too complicated for Nick, Dolly, you used sarcasm! You must have been educated way back!..... Anywho, blatant sarcasm aside, Keavin is the guy who runs the site. Head honcho, da boss, Don Keavin, the king of the antiMUSIC throne, whatever you wanna call him.
Posted by Nick:
You sure are stupid and who is Keavin?
