As soon as I arrived at Tinley Park's catchy-titled First Midwest Bank Ampitheater, I could tell which fans had come specifically to see Slipknot because their shirts, jumpsuits, and masks all seemed to have some variety of the words "hate" or "f*ck" on them. Oh, plus they all had jumpsuits and masks. The dude with the swastika shaved into his head and his buddy with the words "Aryan Pride" tattooed on his chest most likely did not come to see Underoath either (not that Slipknot condones that sh*t, but still). It was a little bit harder to determine whether the Geddy Lee looking kids had come to see Mastodon or Dragon Force, but I'll drop that topic since I'd come to see Mastodon myself.

Mayhem Fest looked exactly how I thought it would look: a perfect balance between dudes with metal band tattoos on their arms (us) and 14 year old kids with fake metal band tattoos on their arms (them). In order to maintain smooth set transitions, there were three stages set up. It was a big pain in the ass to run from one to the next because no matter what you would miss a song floating through the ocean of people walking with, against, and on top of you; but it was cool not to have to stand around for waiting for the next notes to get played. Still, I was thankful that all the main acts were on the same stage, because specific seating guaranteed no competition for a good view of the stage (and the seating area is tilted in). Everyone was standing on top of their seats anyway, so being kind of tall helped. If you're reading this, try and remember to be kind of tall.

35 minute sets meant that groups only had about enough time to rally up the audience before bowing out (and 35 minutes is about long enough for Mastodon to play "Hearts Alive" twice), so the groups had to make those minutes count. Having attended Lollapalooza two weeks ago where everybody had an hour set (or longer), I couldn't help but wish Mayhem would lose some of the crappier bands.

Even though I showed up early, I guess I wasn't early enough because I completely missed the Red Chord. My line moved slower than any line I've ever seen in my life, ever. I got into the gates just in time to see 36 Crazy Fists, who nobody was into, and whose sound was sort of drenched out by Airborne's sound guy on the next stage 90 feet away. Since I've seen Warped Tour at First Midwest, I know that there are plenty of other places they could have put the stage than practically on top of the other one. The boringness of the set and the washiness of the sound made it tough to actually put into action the circle pit the group kept calling for.

Airborne came on next, and their deliberate rip off of AC/DC's rock-star-ism couldn't have been lamer. The lead singer even talked in Bon Scott's drunken sing/yell between songs. At this point, I'd retreated into my head and hummed some Mastodon songs (which is some pretty intense humming, if you were wondering.)

A giant half pipe was set up with dirt bikers doing some pretty crazy stunts; their brand of airborn was a s***-ton more fun than Airborne's. Add to that mix a couple of free Rockstar energy drinks and the fest started to kick ass (if you completely ignore the fact that Suicide Silence took the stage next. I'm not even going to waste a paragraph on them.)

When Five Finger Death Punch took the stage and commanded that we "Shake the pillars of hell, Chicago!" the crowd finally started to give a damn about the music being played. I didn't, because the cries of "When I say 'Five Finger', you say 'Death Punch'" failed to amuse me, and the group's style of Slipknot-light music wet my appetite for the headliner.

Mastodon took the main stage in what may have been the 35 minute highlight of my life (except for, you know, the other time I saw Mastodon.) The sound was as bad as it always is at First Midwest, like music from another room, but the group was total precision and somehow permeated the washing machine audio scheme. "Crystal Skull" almost put me into cardiac arrest, and the drum fills that outlined the whole set were worth the price of admission alone (if you've ever seen Mastodon live, I'm sure you know what I mean.) Absolutely flawless. They didn't say a word the whole time they were out there, but they didn't need to.

Totally mesmerized, I sought out the Rockstar Energy tent where there was a Mastodon signing set up to take place. I'm not sure whether it was meeting the band or hearing their set that just totally perfected my night, but whichever one it was, those guys just completely made this fest (whether they knew it or not, and I don't think that they did.)

A whole lot of people dissed Underoath's set, and it sort of made sense because, as the sole Christian screamo act on the tour, they definitely stood out; but to me, that's what makes a great tour. Just like Flogging Molly randomly showing up on this year's otherwise experimental-electro-indie Lollapalooza lineup, Underoath's separate take on heavy music (not to mention their energy) satisfied everyone who'd come to see them, plus some drunk/lost/confused first timers.

The set was mostly made up of Define the Great Line songs, but they threw in the new single "Desperate Times, Desperate Measures" to keep things interesting. Even if that track basically is "Everyone Looks So Good from Here" from Define, both tracks were played and both tracks ruled.

The audience went crazy for Disturbed, but they might have just been thankful Dragon Force was leaving the stage. The group had an elaborate stage set up featuring a straight jacket and an elevated drumset (which makes sense, since percussion is a huge focus with them) and an arena full of fists – 10,000 fists perhaps – pumped in unison. Seeing so many Disturbed hits at once, you tend to notice how every single song has some kind of animal noise, and pretty often they're really similar. Even if the singer's voice drove me crazy just a little bit, Disturbed was fun.

And speaking of acquired taste vocalists, Corey Taylor and Slipknot took the stage next as headliners in support of their new album All Hope is Gone. Fully masked and fully insane like GWAR if GWAR took themselves seriously, Slipknot just totally ruled. You can attribute that to their awesome pyrotechnics, their set of three percussionists who were constantly flailing their limbs for the duration of the set, and Corey Taylor's bizarre stage banter. "Jesus f***ing Christ!" he screamed, because he could. Then he called us all 'sluts' and ripped into the next song.

I respect the fact that Slipknot didn't open with a track from their new album like everyone else does, because it shows that they really were just a band who hadn't been to Chicago in over 2 and half years who wanted to give the people what they wanted / deserved. With that mentality, the group delivered tracks equally divided from all of their albums, and I wound up with no voice and a sore throat.