Now that Lou Pearlman is basking in his 25 year vacation from all responsibilities, luxuriating in camp federal pokey it seems there is NO MORE AWESOME music for really, really discerning listeners like me, SOMEONE HELP ME!! So c'mon outspoken scientologists, mediocre musicians, super famous movie stars, rabid environmentalists that love nature so much they'll torch apartment complexes to prove it! Send us a CD so I can listen to something wonderfulectitudinous!!

I wanna hear something from tweenage girl pining & weeping over her breakup with her freshman year soulmate-- I wanna feel the agony over their deep, deep heartache brought on by her 14- year old boyfriend dumping her at the Local Ciniplex right before the Batman movie was about to begin, but after all the cool kids were in the theater watching him hit on that BITCH Missy Hendridge & her stuffed fulla toilet paper bra & the pain of realizing that no one made fun of him for how fast he fell for it, he's such a MORON DONKEY!!! Why can't I hear a CD like that?!?! What am I supposed to listen to while I lay in the tanning booth getting my nails & hair done? C'MON!! SUMMER'S ALMOST OVER!! HURRY! HURRY! I tell ya, this summer sucks!

All there is for me to do (Besides drool over those HOT C-SPAN DUDES) is wonder about stuff, since New Kids on the Block, the chick from the fake reality show with a CD & the Jonas brothers REFUSE to send us their jammin' tunes is THINK! Here are some of the subjects I have been forced to ponder, now that my life sucks and is so boring I could just die: (I think the blazing apartment complex inferno- like heat or all the bugs & creepy critters make me think mostly of PETA this time of year.)

1. Do PETA people own flyswatters or practice catch & release? How does that work? Do they PETAs ever accidentally rip off the flies legs trying to untangle them from the humane traps? What happens then? Do the PETAs rush the flies to the emergency vet? How much does the therapy & pain killers cost? Does the GEICO pet insurance plan cover it, or are such injuries covered under the PETA's liability insurance on their house? Are the flies claimed as family members or visitors? Do the PETA people ever hafta hire the fly a lawyer in order to sue themselves for wrongful death on behalf of the fly's estate if the fly dies cuz he's too little to be injected with antibiotics? Does the vet/ lawyer give them a volume discount?

2. I hired some kids to shave my dog. Wow does he look funny!! Do animals actually have rights? Do PETA owned dogs ever get chemo or radiation & do they look this funny afterwards? (Wanna see a picture of him?!) If my dog gets a bad haircut, and I feel hiring him a lawyer to sue me is the humane- I mean the ANIMALAINE- thing to do, can I have that fly lawyer that gives a volume discount's phone number, or does he only specialize in small animals? What if no lawyers in my town will take the lawsuit? Do I offer the dog an out of court settlement?

3. If you are done being hot & want to turn off your fan, I discovered that this is the most safest, most OSHA-licious, & most union friendly way to accomplish this task.

1. Call the electric company to temporarily shut off power to my house.
2. Call a licensed electrician to come and turn off the whole house fuse.
3. Have the electrician turn off the fuse for the outlet it is plugged into.
3. Have the electrician use an outlet tester to make sure there is no
power to that outlet.
4. Call a handyman service to come and unplug the fan.
5. Get the dog shaving kids to turn the fan power switch to "off".
6. Have the handyman plug the fan back in.
7. Have the electrician turn back on the outlet fuse.
8. Have the electrician turn back on the whole house fuse.
9. Have the power company restore power to the house.

This whole process shouldn't cost more than 3 grand per fan per time. If you're paying more than that, BOY ARE YOU STUPID!!

4. If PETA was able to influence what laws got made, would it be a felony or a misdemeanor to run over animals? (& Would this be based on the animal's cuteness, or usefulness, or what??) So far this summer I've hit two birds, a rat, a squirrel, and BUNCHES of bugs!! My car is a crime scene!! When it gets seized as evidence, will it be a felony or a misdemeanor for me to ride a horse to the bus station? (I live in the country, too far to walk anywhere). Could animals make citizens arrests? When can I have my car back? Will an animal be the judge at the trial? I think a monkey would look the cutest in a judge's robe, or maybe a bat eared fox or a chinchilla. Or would an owl have to be the judge, or an elephant? Will they wear a diaper in court, or would that infringe on their rights?

5. Funny how the price of gas drops whenever there is talk of drilling. Are animals more important than $5 a gallon? (I don't mean obviously valuable animals, like steak or pork chops or teriyaki chickens or minks, I mean stupid, useless ones that supposedly live where there's so much oil that even plants won't grow there. How much are they worth, and to who & for what- good luck charms & aphrodisiacs?)

6. Dear Lou Pearlman, The price of diesel has pushed the price of fake nails & a fake tan up to RECORD HIGHS!! I had to take a second job to pay for those tax deductible necessities!! So I have a simple request. Since you are sittin' fat on the $300 million you scammed from banks & investors, how 'bout gimme a thousand bucks so I can get the cool acrylic toenails instead of just the 'wash & wax' deal? Anyway, I always give the BackDoor Boys SUPER GREAT reviews! Just ask 'em!! (Or ask Jessica Simpson, she was married, to the gay one, I think. I gave her an AWESOME review too, I'm pretty sure!) Huh, a grand out of 300 mill is like what, almost nothing?! I bet your crappy lawyer who couldn't get the sentence reduced to house arrest & community service charges more than that an hour, right?!? So it's worth it! (you could prolly write it off on your taxes, as a business expense or charitable deduction or reparations! Try it! Like the IRS is really gonna go after the man responsible for THE MOST FAMOUS FORCE IN NATURE, right?? Believe me! they don't want even more negative publicity & all the whiny crybaby fans protesting & burning down government buildings!! Dolly Doppelganger is how I spell my name.)

7. I've been hangin out with some really zippy cool environmentalists, so NOW I HATE PEOPLE TOO!! I got a GREAT recipe we could serve our friends (that we really secretly HATE for being human!!) It's an antique recipe, I got it from my grandma yesterday, who spent some time in Guyana in the 60s or 70s & got it from a nice commune there that she
couldn't remember the name of. (She said it was a common name, like 'Smithtown' or something. Gimme a break, she's a 114 years old!! At least she remembered the name of the country, sheesh!!) Anyway, even though the recipe calls for grape kool aid to be used, I've tried every different flavor on this, and they all work!! Email our editor & he'll give ya the recipe & the cyanide, FOR FREE!!

8. Oh my stars, know what the cutest thing I ever saw was? Like I really know! I've seen so much cute stuff, you'd prolly puke till you choked & died if I started listing it all!! Awwwwwww!!

9. OK, so I can't remember why that whole town of high school girls got pregnant, was it cuzza Zoey 101 or Juno or just defective Trojans? If the Trojans were defective, then why were they? Cuzza record oil prices or the bad economy or do the schools need to get back to the important business of teaching kids how to put a condom on a banana? Is High School Musical Pt 4- The Forget Freshman Year of College, I Hafta Apply for WIC, Food Stamps & Public Housing, Cuz It's Lotsa Fun Waking Up at 3 am to Feed the Stupid Baby When I just Got to Sleep at 1:30am & S*** I'm Outta Diapers, I Wonder if Little Ashton Miley Jamie'll Notice He's Wearing a Bath Towel, Super 3-D version will soon be forthcoming? Will there be open auditions? If they hire some of those new mommies to be in the movie, by how much will their welfare benefits be reduced? Will the taxpayers in that county notice the difference? Can those all be brought to Hollywood after filming is over to be on welfare in a different county? That'd be awesome!

10. Do PETA people ever get a fish pedicure? Do they tell their friends it's empowering for the fish? Do they imagine the fish are attacking & eating from the feet up all the animal haters/ eaters/ wearers? Can I get a discount at Jose's Fish Pedicurio if I flash a PETA card, or will they make me pay full price when I blow my cover by forgetting to release all the fish after my pedicure is over?