For our last Rant of the year, our feature writer Dan Grote steps up to the plate to give us his slant on the year just past. This is Dan's first editorial and a fitting way to end 2002. I'll be back in the new year to blast things in the music industry, until then enjoy Dan's rant!- aG

This isn’t a best of. It could be a worst of, based on your slant on celebrity. But it is a list of stuff that I (and most people) saw too much of in 2002. So strap on your laughing cap and get ready to giggle at the stuff we (or some corporate media-type guy) thought were cool over the last 12 months.

Public nuisance #1: THE – Never before has a definite article been so omnipresent. The Strokes, The White Stripes, The Vines, The Hives, The Coldplay, The Beck, The Ja Rule. The was everywhere this year, especially in sentences. What this means for 2003: I predict a backlash against the; I predict an equally ridiculous insurgence of “a”: A Perfect Circle, A Simple Plan, And You Will Know Us By A Trail of Dead, A Third Eye Blind, A DMX. You get the picture. And then maybe someday it will level off. When the situation will right itself: 2005.

Public nuisance #2: STEVEN VAN ZANDT – Partially responsible for the resurgence of the word “the,” partially responsible for the resurgence of the word “garage,” partially responsible for the resurgence of the word “Bada Bing,” that’s right, somebody decided it would be a good idea to hand Springsteen’s bitch a microphone at some point, and now we have a whole syndicated radio show dedicated to this year’s most cash cow-y rock trend. What this means for 2003: If you overexpose it, there will be a backlash against it. Look for Patty Scialfa’s underground Pro-Tools showcase. When the situation will right itself: When the Sopranos are over.

Public nuisance #3: THE (there’s that word again) OLSEN TWINS – On the one hand, the Twins’ turning sixteen this year may have made many men drool at their oncoming nearness to 18, but let’s face it, Stern’s right, these two are getting more Colemanesque each day. Their faces haven’t changed in years, even though their bodies have blossomed. Let’s see what happens in two years. What this means for 2003: They’ll turn seventeen (and still be equally balloon-headed). When the situation will right itself: 2004, when men no longer lust after them cuz they’re legal.

Public nuisance #4: DAVE GROHL – Ooh, look at me, I was the third drummer for grunge’s seminal band. Ooh, look at me, I have my own successful modern rock band. Ooh, look at me, I’m going to fight Courtney Love for the rights to release an awesome song. Ooh, look at me, I’m going to attach myself to one of the best albums of the year. We get it, Dave, you’re wonderful. Rock on. What this means for 2003: Nirvana box set, second Queens/Foo singles, maybe more work with Tenacious D (please, God). When the situation will right itself: the situation wasn’t necessarily wrong.

Public nuisance #5: PHARREL WILLIAMS – See the Clipse, Justin Timberlake, Busta Rhymes, Jay-Z, Mystikal, N.O.R.E., N.E.R.D., Spymob, Britney Spears, O.D.B., Kelis, James Taylor, Linda Ronstadt, Guns N Roses, Limp Bizkit, C.W. McCall, and Duran Duran. What this means for 2003: See Michelle Branch, Carlos Santana, Wyclef Jean, Toni Braxton, Vanessa Carlton, Third Eye Blind, Paul McCartney, and Paul Anka. When the situation will right itself: as long as there are more N.E.R.D. albums, the situation isn’t necessarily wrong.

Public nuisance #6: KELLY OSBOURNE – Most annoying Osbourne, makes you realize why Amy said no. No one wants to see you sing except for laughs. I’d rather watch Jack stab boxes on repeat. The Osbournes is a great TV show, but this ridiculous little offshoot concept of giving Kelly more lip time is just asinine. Let’s recap: Sharon Osbourne talk show good, Ozzy as rock idol good, Jack stabbing boxes good, Kelly as celebrity in her own right bad. What this means for 2003: Probably more of the same for at least the first few months. When the situation will right itself: September.

Public nuisance #7: J-Lo and BEN AFFLECK – It’s bad enough we have to call her J-Lo, but having to be exposed to her latest fling every time you open a magazine is too much. And Ben Affleck: Jesum Crow, you know she can do better than the star of Reindeer Games (no offense to Kevin Smith, who is the only director under whom Matt Damon’s buddy does anything interesting). And no, you are NOT still Jenny from the Block. Jenny from the Block ain’t got no rocks, and who told her it would be a good idea to use a three year old sample (aww, nobody knows who the Beatnuts are anyway). Damn. What this means for 2003: The J-Lo machine will soldier on, but the B-Af train will most likely derail quickly. When the Affleck situation will right itself: February.

Public nuisance #8: MURDER, INC. – I’m sick of Ja Rule rapping with female R&B artists. I’m sick of Ashanti rapping with male rappers. And I’m sick of Nas putting out albums that are lauded by critics for a week and then quickly discarded. End of story. What this means for 2003: With a stable of multi-platinum selling artists, Irv Gotti ain’t going nowhere, at least for now. When the situation will right itself: When Aurelius 7 is smart enough to ditch the Inc. and start his own label.

Public nuisance #9: MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING – We get it, we get it, it’s the little movie that could. Hey, that’s great. Now come out on DVD already, you little ethnic pain in my ass. What this means for 2003: well, there’s a midseason sitcom on CBS coming out based on the movie, so guess what, the lucrativity train will last a few more months at least. When the situation will right itself: I give the sitcom until March.

Public nuisance #10: AL GORE – I just don’t get it. The man spent most of the year criticizing President Bush when nobody really wanted to hear his opinion. After the midterm elections, the Democratic party is scrambling for leadership. Gephardt is ousted, Daschle starts blaming the media, and a bunch of no name senators and governors are considering runs, and this man goes on a week long media campaign to gleefully announce like a choir of deadpan angels that he is NOT running for president in 2004. Oh, I see, he doesn’t want support, the poor puppy just wants attention. Well, if nothing else, it’s nice to see politicians taking time off from steering the country to host SNL. McCain, really liked your Ashcroft. What this means for 2003: I hear Trent Lott’s gonna host the season finale and do his Bill Frist imitation. When the situation will right itself: November 2004, when Bush gets reelected.

So there you have it. Now start disagreeing with me.

Daniel P. Grote