.

.

.

Loudermilk destroyed my life plain and simple. This album made me doubt wanting to write for antiMUSIC because it’s proven to be so dangerous. Let me explain a bit so you know what the hell I’m talking about and you don’t think I’ve been smoking banana peals again (they give you a great buzz, don’t let anyone tell you different!) 

I’ve known the editor for anti for a long time; we used to get arrested together up in Hollywood at thrash concerts for beating up poseurs. I’ve always dug the vibe of the site. You know, talking s*** on worthless record industry puppets and then bangin out the killer s***. My day gig is writing for a pretty mainstream music pub and I don’t get a chance to let loose or to cover some of the bands that anti would cover (that's what I dig about anti the most, they don't care if it's a garage band or a superstar, they just want to cover kick ass bands), so I hit my ol’ buddy up to do some stuff on anti from time to time. Right as I was getting my feet wet with a couple of reviews under my belt, I surfed over to the site to see my wonderful prose in print and saw this song of the day deal at the top of the page. Being the curious mofo that I am, I clicked over and checked out a few tunes. The one that hit me the hardest was the Loudermilk song “Estrogen Oxygen Aches In The Teeth Again,” I was like “dude this rocks!” So I hit up my editor and said, “dude, what’s up with Loudermilk? Are you going to be doing any coverage on them? If so be a bro and kick it my way!” He told me that they had the band set for the artist of the month for November and he asked me if I’d be into to doing the article. I was all over it like gopher to softdirt. “Hell, yeah! I’d love to talk this s*** up!” That’s where the trouble started. 

I went over and picked up the CD and cruised home, ready to rock out to it on my 5.1 surround sound system. I grabbed a beer, popped the CD in and cranked the volume all the way up! Screw my neighbors, they suck anyway and they could use some kick ass rock n roll to help get that stick out of their collective yuppie, Yanni listenin’ to, rearsides! 

“Estrogen Oxygen Aches In The Teeth Again” came on full bore, shaking the house, rattling the windows and flat out kickin my ass! By the time it got to the first chorus I was in rock heaven, just diggin’ this s*** to no end! I cranked it up louder and all of a sudden my stereo started smokin’ and flames started shootin’ out of my speakers. This CD rocked so hard my $1000 stereo couldn’t handle it, it went into overload and exploded! 

If that wasn’t bad enough just as the song kicked in, my cat Ozzy strolled into the room to check out the kick ass tunes (Ozzy’s usually into death metal, but he was diggin Loundermilk purring his little head off, looking out the window for the neighbor's tomcat to rock out with.) Then as the first chorus was ending and Loudermilk’s singer Davey Ingersoll was belting out “… Aches In The Teeth Again” that was when the stereo exploded and one of the flames that shot out from the speakers caught Ozzy in the tail and the little dude took off like a rocket. I tried chasing him down to put out the flames but the little dude could move like Jesse Owens and as he raced from room to room he caught everything in his wake on fire from curtains to the Exodus T-shirt I had thrown on the floor. Before I knew it my house was up in flames. I cornered Ozzy and grabbed the little dude, full on put a death grip on his tail to put out the flames and bolted out of the place like my house was on fire! Cuz it was! 

The fire dudes showed up and put out the blaze after it destroyed half of my humble abode. I was able to get the Loudermilk CD out of my charred player and luckily, my CD collection was spared but most of my cloths and other stuff was toast.  Now homeless I packed up my CD’s into my car so I could cruise over to get a hotel room.  

In light of just loosing my house and most of my worldly possessions my mind was still into checkin out the rock! I still had a job to do and this CD was like crack to a crack addict, I couldn’t put it down, I had to jam it. Being the smart dude that I am, I put it in my car CD player and decided I couldn’t chance listening to “Estrogen Oxygen Aches In The Teeth Again” just yet, so I advanced it to the second song “California” and cranked it up. Ozzy gave me a loud meow of approval as the song took over my small car stereo speakers and made it sound like Madison Square Garden. Ozzy kept meowin’ “Lounder! Louder! Louder!” I pushed the volume button to the limit and the car was shaking as I rolled down the street. Ozzy and I agreed, this is some kick ass rock n roll! You don’t hear this kind of s*** these days. It was killer to hear a major label band that actually rocked for a change instead of those lame ass nu-metal jerks or plastic pop stars, and don’t get me started on the “bling bling” crowd! 

We got through about 4 songs and were just flat out rockin’, Ozzy was bangin’ his head, clawing at the seats and gave me that look of his that says, “dude, this frickin rocks!” I agreed. We had the windows down so everyone along the street could enjoy the tunes, we got some dirty looks from some soccer moms in minivans and yuppies in SUV’s, Ozzy flipped them the paw and went back to rockin out!  

Even the slow jam “Ash to Ash” was killer, it has sort of an early Bowie vibe and I was kinda pissed cuz my stereo wouldn’t go any louder. We got through the other couple of slower jams on the CD “Mai,” and “97 Ways To Kill A Superhero,” which were really cool and the trippy “Anathma,” but when “Juin” pumped into to it’s full punk rock roar, sparks started shooting from my dashboard, flames burst out from the speakers and the inside of the car was on fire!  I jammed the car out of gear, slammed into a telephone poll and grabbed Ozzy by the tail and got the hell out of Dodge. We stood at the side of the road with my car engulfed in flames and the song was still rockin’ at full volume, it was so unreal sort of like some kind of weird hard rock hallucination. 

Ozzy made a stupid joke in cat meows about Loudermilk takes a lickin’ and keeps on rockin’. I watched my car turning into a charred mass of steel and melted plastic and the tunes kept coming, despite the disaster in front of me I couldn’t help but be rocked by the tunes. You gotta pay a high price for real rock, but it’s worth it!  The CD got all the way through the second to last song before it exploded at the finally of the tune. Man this was powerful stuff!  

That was two weeks ago and luckily my anti editor is letting me crash on his couch and use his laptop to get my stories done for my main gig and this assignment. The insurance company is given’ a hard time, telling me my coverage doesn’t cover “hard rock combustion” but I’ll get those bastards to pay up and I’ll be back in home and auto. As you can see I went through hell and back to get this article to you. If your gonna check out Loudermilk make sure to have a fire extinguisher close by and asbestos underwear wouldn’t hurt either to protect you private parts, cuz this CD rocks so hard it’s explosive. 

My anti buddy just asked me this morning how I was doing and apologized for getting me into all of this trouble, you could see the hint of smile in the corner of his mouth as he probably thought to himself, “better Scott than me”, but whatever, the day I line up a new pad, I’ll get him for this and rig his alarm clock to play this CD, so he can wake up to the rock and feel just how explosive this damn band is as his house explodes into flames!  A couple of friends I told this story to think I’m crazy cuz despite everything that happened to me as a result of listening to this CD, the music is so killer that I think it was worth it! Screw it, cars and houses can be replaced but you can’t replace real kick ass rock n roll!  And that’s exactly what Loudermilk gives you! So if you got the balls and a good insurance policy, check this CD out! 

P.S. If anyone from Dreamworks reads this, I need another copy of the CD cuz my other one melted along with my car and the insurance dudes said there was no way in hell they would pay for a new one.