Greetings, readers. After yet another break to find myself (ok, who am I kidding, I haven't had SHIT to write about) I’m back with some observations so to speak. Now, maybe I’m just getting older (I mean I am, after all, 26 now) but I have noticed a disturbing trend in recent months. I'm sure it has existed for a while now, but I guess I’m just now starting to pay attention. Or something. Hell, I don't know. Anyway, I’ve come to realize recently that now if you want to be "cool" you've gotta be DUMB. It's true. 

I started realizing this recently at work. For those not up on current events, I work at an indie record store that draws all sorts of types of people through its doors. But, lately, I’ve noticed not just at work, but also out in the "world" that being dumb is the way to go. Think about it; on a given day, how many young men do you run across that cannot for the life of them SPEAK. They mumble, they mispronounce words, and if put on the spot and asked to spell certain words they'd fail. Miserably. It seems to me that the whole thing was born from Internet Speak and Text Messages. Think about it, people do that whole Text Messaging thing with their cell phones using abbreviations and probably carry that over into their day to day life. Same for Instant Messaging on the good ol’ Pornography SuperHighway. 

Ok, I’ll admit, this is a pretty flimsy way to make a point. BUT, I have more proof. I have conclusive proof that it is the PEAK of COOL if you're dumb. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Exhibit A: Jessica Simpson.

"PLATYPUS? I thought it was pronounced 'platy-mapu.' Has it always been pronounced platypus?"

"Twenty-three is old. It's almost twenty-five, which is, like, almost midtwenties."

"Rigor who?" (her question after some one mentioned Rigor Mortis followed death)

"No, thanks, I don't eat buffalo." (after being offered Buffalo Wings)

And, of course, the MOST QUOTED and REFERENCED Jessica Simpson bout with stupidity:

"Is this chicken-what I have-or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says Chicken...by the sea."

So, let me see if I’ve got this:  Ungodly hot,  Virginal, saccharine pop star sells her soul to Big Brother, gets famous, gets married, get offered her own 'reality' TV show by Big Brother's younger Brother (MTV), and then gets ABSURDLY popular/famous/what have you by being DUMB?? I'm sorry, did I miss a meeting?? So, all those years I was reading the newspaper and books, watching the news and thinking for myself I should have actually been allowing myself to slow evolve into the human intelligence equivalent of a cigarette?? Wow. If only I had known SOONER that it was possible to get FAMOUS by being DUMB. What a fool I was.

Of course, not content to dominate the world of MTV and pop culture with her stupidity; Simpson was recently signed up to do her OWN sitcom for ABC and was also given a deal to write not ONE but TWO books. Look, I doubt Jessica Simpson can even spell the word BOOK without asking her wooden husband (this guy is so lacking in personality that he makes Al Gore look like Lester Bangs by comparison.) 

So, the lesson kids: If you want to be famous sell your soul, burn all your books, and never watch anything on TV except for reality TV and MTV and YOU TOO can become a successful, famous, stone dead STUPID success. I mean, hey, it worked for Fred Durst.

Oh, and one last thing: Yes,  I do realize the irony in lampooning stupidity in a column that usual is DRENCHED in typos. But, like the man said; there really is a thin line between clever and stupid.

{End Transmission}
 

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