Transient Tractor - Failure

About "Let's Get Dolly": In January (2005) antiMusic readers were introduced to a colorful writer known as Dolly Doppelganger when her Veridical Polemic column debuted. That column almost never happened, but Dolly pestered us until we relented and gave her a chance. The results speak for themselves. You may not know this but Dolly originally applied for a reviewer position. Fast forward to mid-January, antiGuy asked me if we had any CDs to review that have been sitting around for a while.  I named a few and he shook his head and said, "I'll pass, I don't know who you would get to review some of those!" As those words escaped his lips, the solution came to me, "Let's get Dolly! She loves everything!" So, I gave Dolly a few CDs to try out her reviewing skills on and what I got back is classic Dolly. You may not learn much about the actual CDs, and you will learn far too much about Dolly's ideas but in the end if you are a Dolly fan you'll love her latest contributions to antiMusic. If you are looking for regular reviews of these cds, look somewhere else. Dolly don't play that. - Keavin Wiggins, Editor antiMusic.com

This review is no doubt going to take weeks to get just right, since this release by American Idol Records is so excellent, so deep & meaningful, and it is so educational. I have learned so much about that TV show that if I labor away on this review for 3 years, still it will lack the wonderful perfection of this release. But, since it is imperative that you antiKids rush right out there & buy this release many times over, this review will have to be thrown together as an appetizer to introduce you to the sonic brilliance of Transients Make the Best Tractor Trailer Operators. For instance, did you know that with every American Idol CD purchase comes instructions for erecting a shrine to whatever artiste you are interested in furthering the career of? So ever since I heard this stunning debut, I have been slaving away trying to locate & purchase sufficient quantities of plywood, rats and cats so I can sacrifice them on the altar devoted to my newest, bestest deity, Tractor Trailer Pileup. All I can do is beg you to do the same, and then wholeheartedly launch into the life of crime he seems to advocate. This release will strengthen you to the point where you'll not only be able to smash your head through bank vaults, you'll actually want to!
 
I'd be ignoring the best part of this release if I didn't include information Mr. Transient sent in on his sad, miserable life. His real name is Chris Cortelyou, and he really, really wants your sympathy! Knowing that people are out there feeling sorry for him is the juice he swills to keep his strength up, the glue he uses to hold his shoes together. So love him, cry over him, and most importantly, financially support him! He lays bare the tear inducing story of his life, his many failed attempts at holding a job, his inability to live in the present, preferring to write mainly about his glorious high school years, and the myriad opportunities, good times, and life's experiences that so enriched his stay on this planet during those best of times. Don'tcha just love when people's fondest recollections remain firmly wedged in their years between ages 14 & 18? Such a Peter Pan like man! His one song that isn't about his high school years is about what a drag it is to hold a regular job. I'm sure many unemployed, homeless immature childmen can relate to that sentiment! 
 
Unfortunately in his bio, he trashes Beck & the Strokes, maybe someone from those bands once robbed him at gunpoint & stole his all food stamps, he doesn't say, so I'm forced to speculate. He gives a most puzzling description of what his music sounds like, which won't help you as much as my review, because he seems undecided about whether he's a poor singer, or one you should rush out & hire. Actually, since he needs the money so badly, maybe you should hire him to sing at the next state sponsored execution, and give the poor sap that's condemned to die the opportunity to look forward to death. He claims his music is both dense and high energy. Dense is such an odd way to describe his release, although I agree wholeheartedly!
 
He also calls himself a 'rock icon'. Hmmm, let me look that word up, such another colorfully descriptive way to describe his CD, he's really teaching me some new words today! (I just love Encarta!) "ICON-1. i•con  or i•kon religion image of holy person: a holy picture, carving, or statue of Jesus Christ, the Virgin Mary, or a saint, especially an oil painting on a wooden panel, used in worship in the Eastern Orthodox churches;" Oh! so that's what the point of the 'shrine assembly instructions' in the liner notes of his CD is! HE wants your worship as well as your tears and money, so get busy! "2. computing picture on computer screen: a small image on a computer screen that represents something, for example, a program or device that is activated by a mouse click or a trash bin for unwanted files." Yikes, so that's what that little picture of a garbage can on my desktop that suddenly appeared is! You see what I mean about his poor self-esteem? AntiKids, you must go out & buy 87 of these CDs NOW! Cheer up poor little Peter 
Chris Pancanitelyou! Now onto the icon worship! 
 
I had to listen to this CD over and over and over, dividing my time between hearing his soothing, utterly atonal voice droning on and other times only noticing his evil back up band playing as LOUD as they could in an effort to drown him out. It was the equivalent of a musical tug o' war competition with each team vying to be the only sound dancing it's way out of the speakers. As I listened, a powerful hypnotic spell overtook me. I don't know where I went, or what I did, but when I came to, I found myself in a cave in  Tanzania, my left eye was poked out, and I could no longer understand English, nor remember how to drive a stick shift. Suddenly I remembered I could never drive a stick shift! It was a mental breakthrough made possible by the most influential release of this finest CD ever released. After days of rehab, a crash course in both English as well as stick shift driving instruction, I regret to report that the lack of a left eye has adversely affected my depth perception enough that I lost my driver's license permanently. If only I had erected the shrine & sacrificed the requisite number of snakes and bats, this tragedy might have turned out differently! But then again, with the inability to drive comes lots and lots of time to play in my American Idol shrine, catch critters, and play this CD!
 
So before you wake up to find that you've made the same mistake as I did, let me just warn you to follow the directions for the 'An Idol of my Very Own to Worship' shrine assembly directions, locate the appropriate critters, and take care of business BEFORE listening to this authoritative CD. You will be so glad you did! This CD is like nothing you've ever heard before!! While I was awaiting my new glass eye to come from eBay, I was able to locate the man behind Trailer House Spare Tire Failure, and send him 347 emails featuring virtual crying & screaming and other general idol worship.

His kids were kind enough to respond, though their answer was shocking. They claim they don't even like their beloved, worship worthy master and father to read to them! In their ungrateful opinion, his voice is completely lacking in cadence, utterly incapable of expressing anything in any tone other than the one he employs throughout this CD. I tell you, such brazen audacity, such rudeness to the idol left me choking back my tears on the phone, terrified to show my deep feelings which now border on obsession to such heartless jackals & jackasses. How such a massive musical figure could beget such demons is a mystery. 
 
All I can say to them is, I hope you find yourself in a cave somewhere with your EARS torn off, since obviously you are deceived by them!! I can't stress enough how great this CD truly is! Imagine going to the best Karaoke bar in town, and getting to hear every businessman, middle management and accountant in town monocroonactically murmuring away till before you know it, your eyes start shooting blood, your head collapses and explodes in a fiery inferno that performs the largest mercy killing on record, with everyone within the bar's four walls falling prey to your odd demise. This CD is so
much better than that!! Especially when you add the fun and profit of killing animals in midnight ceremonies to appease the idol of Tractor Heart Failure. 
 
Track 3 is my favorite, featuring the bold new recording strategy known as monotune. With this strategy, there is absolutely no risk of ambiguity, no ups and downs of Mr. Trailer House's unique voice. Having said that, however, I'm certain that every track on here will soon be your favorite, as they all sound so similar to each other! The track called, "Monkey" had him lamenting his invisibility. I am SO glad we don't get to pick our afflictions!! Could you imagine how empty life would sound if he had been born mute? Hopefully his fiendish kids don't sever his golden vocal cords before he can release
his next 15 albums! If a second album never materializes, I'm calling the cops!!
 
By the track, "Weak", his rotten kids negative campaign against their daddy is evident with his weepy ballad lamenting his weak vocal skills. I cried along with him, cursing his kids for poisoning his mind! People need idols to hero worship, and because of his jealous kids, the world supply of rodents and reptiles might be safe as Mr. My Ex Wife's Boyfriend Stole the Tire Off My Trailer House might just decide to quit in acquiescence to his kids' sadistic verbally abusive power play. He needs to ship those little earless pups off to boarding school! "My Truck" was similarly sad, with him admitting that he is homeless, so given that information, don't just buy one of this release, buy 14! You can afford it & he really needs the money!! "All the King's Men" has him singing optimistically about what life will be like once he's famous, something only you antiKids can make happen, so get busy!
 
This CD is so great, offering so many songs for your money, 23 songs!! Since this is an unheard of quantity for a CD, reward his hard work and his steady voice ranging all over the one note he likes best and buy this CD over & over again! Buy one every time you go into town! Buy one every time you head home from work! Buy one on line every time you log onto AntiMusic! Buy one wherever you buy your bread & shoes! In fact, declare a fast & spend your month's grocery money on this CD, as many copies as you can find! My new deity commands it!!    
 

Note: we are too lazy to fact check but let's just say you can take the "facts" in this review with a pound of salt. 
 

Transient Tractor - Failure
Rating: x a million

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