J.Lo – Afterbirth 

About "Let's Get Dolly": In January (2005) antiMusic readers were introduced to a colorful writer known as Dolly Doppelganger when her Veridical Polemic column debuted. That column almost never happened, but Dolly pestered us until we relented and gave her a chance. The results speak for themselves. You may not know this but Dolly originally applied for a reviewer position. Fast forward to mid-January, antiGuy asked me if we had any CDs to review that have been sitting around for a while.  I named a few and he shook his head and said, "I'll pass, I don't know who you would get to review some of those!" As those words escaped his lips, the solution came to me, "Let's get Dolly! She loves everything!" So, I gave Dolly a few CDs to try out her reviewing skills on and what I got back is classic Dolly. You may not learn much about the actual CDs, and you will learn far too much about Dolly's ideas but in the end if you are a Dolly fan you'll love her latest contributions to antiMusic. If you are looking for regular reviews of these cds, look somewhere else. Dolly don't play that. - Keavin Wiggins, Editor antiMusic.com

I have such amazing news to report, slobbering J Lo fans, her new CD is so excellent, so purely musically perfect that her record company won’t release any for review- they are terrified of people receiving such a musically valuable album for free. What would happen if gold became as common as toilet paper? It would become worthless, people would use it to fill pot holes, then think of what a mess the streets would be! So the musical gold that makes up this stellar, best ever CD has to be a big secret, and I had to write this review entirely based on the samples on CD Universe. Hopefully J Lo’s people don’t come peel & make a coat out of me! (But last time I checked, she didn’t mention Ed Gein in her CD credits, so maybe I don’t have anything to worry about.)

Anyway, with this soon to be a classic CD available to the mass public, for the opposite of a rip off price of $20, J. Lo lets us voyeuristically ogle her universe. Apparently the older she gets, the tireder she gets, and no wonder! When you spend a few years getting married & divorced more frequently than most people rotate their tires, you need to take it easy somewhere & sing songs for older, slower people. So this was just the best CD for me!  I listen to it as I play bingo, as I shuffle around the convenience store in my bathrobe & slippers, as I take my Geritol, as I put on my Depends, it fits well with my much slowed down lifestyle. With every song I marveled at what a smart girl J Lo is! 

Orchestrating her songs around her sleep schedule, sometimes even sleeping through the actual songs! It’s about time the ‘old hag’ started acting her age! No sense in pretending to like making music for little preteens when you’re pushing 40, you know?  It was nice as well as surprising to hear such mature, ‘old lady’ music coming from a J. Lo CD.

For the first song, “Get Right” she employed vocals from some of her future shoe & belt products. I’m waiting for the record validators from Guinness Book to call me & confirm this, but I’m pretty sure this song represents the only song ever recorded that uses trumpeting elephants for part of it. (At least that’s what the 30 second sample really sounded like. Oh well, this CD is so good, I’m positive everyone from Guinness Book already has this, & either they already know this elephant info & are planning to include that fact in the 2005 edition, or they’ll lovingly set me straight, since all of us are united in our common reverent awe for the most talented force in nature, Jennifer Q.  Lopez.)

The second song, “Step into my World” had lyrics so intellectual it was hard to follow. I never knew that girl had such a deep love & understanding of quantum physics. This very impressive song taught me about quarks, about the dirty dancing of electrons around the nucleus of atoms, about Schr?dinger’s feline she’s cat sitting for, and how that girl managed to find something that rhymes with the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle is beyond me- literally! In spite of this lyrical university level schooling, Jenny from the block makes this complex subject not only fun, but easy, just like her personality!

“Hold You Down” had a guest singer, so she could rest her tired vocal chords even more, thanks, guest! He & Jen did an interesting duet together, with each of them singing their own song, on their own topic, at the same time as each other. I know that description sounds weird, but after you buy this excellent CD, you’ll be able to hear what I mean. (Don’t cheat yourself by only settling for the 30 second samples, buy 4 to 6 CDs, or better yet, buy a gross!)

Just when I thought there is no possible way Jen could top the first 3 songs on this CD came “Whatever you Wannado” like the spam message on the bottom of some emails. This song was the perfect piece for those of us who always hear music from other people’s rattley bass speakers buzzing & thumping along at red lights but are way too shy to ask, “what’s that noise you’re deafening me with?” Now you too can have a song like that to jam out to at red lights, at long train crossings & while waiting in line to leave the funeral parlor. For once, you can be the totally cool guy with the window vibrating sounds at 6 in the morning, I’m so excited! I just can’t wait till tomorrow, I have the alarm set for 4!

“Cherry Pie” was a song that confused me, and not because it mentioned any branches of the sciences. At first I thought it was a Prince song, but after I read the blurb written by someone who loves J Lo a great deal (possibly her husband) I realized that I am just stupid, it’s not a song that sounds like Prince. Rather, it’s a “1980s-era Janet Jackson defiance” themed song. Oh well, once again the great mind that is J Lo out thinks everyone and has a good explanation for sounding like someone else.

Let me tell you, “I Got You” is Jenn’s attempt at crafting the next great American novel! She rambled on & on, in it SO much that it reminded me of me (the rambling on part, not so much the actual content. After all, I don’t go to too many parties where the lampshades are made of genuine monkey fur, nor carpets of ermine, boy! That’s a fur loving girl, eh? I think I’ll buy another case of CDs to send PETA, by the way).

Her fun song, “Still Around?” I think was directed at her latest husband, and the surprise she feels when she looks over at him & finds he is still there, right where she saw him last, content to bask in her shadow as Mr. Lopez. (But I didn’t pay too much attention to the lyrics, I was trying to figure out the million dollar “Jennifer Challenge!”:trying to use a Bose-Einstein Condensate to slow the speed of light to under ten miles-per-hour. So I was pretty distracted, & still dazzled by her multicultural attempt to include kids in the ‘Physics is Phun’ movement.) As far as the sound of this song, it’s probably the best (but they are all my favorite!) If you like K-Tel albums from the 60s & 70s that you have to watch late night TV to snag, time to go to bed at a reasonable hour, at long last! This is the song!

“Ryde or die” wasn’t quite the song I thought it would be, I’ll admit.  It turned out to be so syrupy & ballady I heaved a huge sigh of relief that no tough biker chicks will be stomping or trying to recruit Jenny any time in the near future. Maybe the “i” & the “y” got switched on CD Universe’s website & it was supposed to be called “Ride or Dye!” about how you could either be a Harley mama or you could tie dye socks with the neighborhood kids, since we’re all one big happy family, both options are equally suitable- one isn’t worse than the other, they’re just different.

“I Love” was a song that made me frown. After such an excellent gap-straddling song linking all humans through science, setting up Jenny as a real teacher to today’s youth came this song with atrocious grammar.  It was shocking in its blatant disregard for the rules of double negatives & state of being verbs. I’m still blinking back tears as I type this. Oh well, Jenny can teach the upper sciences, not English.

“He’ll be Back” told us all about how she is able to send Marc out for groceries & this is how she counts the minutes till he returns, her nose smushed firmly against the window like their little barks & poops dog, dripping with tears & snot as she looks into the night so forlorn, having to sing this to herself so she doesn’t end up slashing her wrists in desperation at not being able to be without a man for longer than a few minutes. Marc is such a great sport for sticking around so faithfully, isn’t he? AntiKids, buy up this CD like it was going to be banned tomorrow & reward his producing talent!

(Can’t Believe) This is Me” was a Madonna song, though Mrs. Ritchie did it uncredited. That was so nice of her to pretend like she was J Lo & living J Lo’s life, singing about J Lo’s “larger-than-life persona and enormous wealth” (from the CD self press blurb)

“Get it Right” was the swan song of her drum machine. In this song Jen takes us into the high risk world of drum machine use & lets us see the ugly underbelly of good drum machines going crazy, pounding the same beat, with computerlike accuracy, the same sound again & again & again & again & again & ... That stupid drum machine was not even listening to J Lo’s threats!  If only I had gotten to hear longer than the 30 seconds! I bet the album fades out on J Lo kicking the stupid thing across the room right before her lackey/ husband rushes to her side with bottled water, a hot towel, & lo carb m&m’s.

I have no idea why she called the album "Afterbirth", I think she’s pregnant, and planning to sell her placenta on eBay, since other mean people’s review of this CD have been abysmal. J Lo, no sense selling off your family heirlooms to raise cash! Keep that placenta! If you really need the money, the amniotic sac represents a goldmine of iron & protein, which is why animals eat theirs! That should minimize the hunger pains for at least one meal!
 

J.Lo – Afterbirth 
Label: Sony
Rating: 
 

Tracks:  Get Right Step Into My World Hold You Down Whatever You Wanna Do Cherry Pie I Got You Still Around Ryde Or Die I, Love He'll Be Back (Can't Believe) This Is MeGet Right

Listen to Samples and Purchase This CD online